You might remember 1871 as the year Belgium disbanded the salt tax or the year J. Milton Turner was named minister to Liberia or the year British Columbia joined the confederation of Canada. But few remember 1871 as the year that aliens almost took over our beloved planet Earth. Turns out Cowboys and Aliens wasn’t a complete fiction after all. The tiny town of Tiny, Nevada was home to an alien landing back then. An exploration squad from the distant planet of Bureaucratia was scouting out new worlds to conquer through mediocrity, paperwork and bipartisan politics. And their plan would have worked had it not been for Gump Watson, a 21st century auto mechanic and the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting from Harbor Freight Tools. Long story short: The End.
Long story not so short, the alien vessel crashed on a low-level ridge at the edge of town. Gump Watson, Tiny’s sheriff, went to investigate. As he approached the scene, he heard strange noises and an unfamiliar language. He peered out from his hiding place and saw several aliens trying to repair their craft. Though the aliens had the same basic appendages as humans, they were green, ugly and savage looking, like the love child of Nick Nolte and the Incredible Hulk. Gump didn’t know what to do. He had his six shooter, but he didn’t think mere bullets would penetrate their thick hides. As luck would have it, a wormhole opened at that very moment a few feet away from Gump and out walked an auto mechanic from the future. Introductions were made and Gump explained the situation. How the mechanic got sucked into the wormhole to begin with is anybody’s guess, but it probably had something to do with the convergence of supersymmetric flipped su(5) grand unified field theory and the unexplained longevity of Tom Jones’ singing career.
The mechanic wanted to help but only had one tool with him, the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting from Harbor Freight Tools. Sometimes it’s called a laser thermometer because you use the built-in laser to target the surface, but it’s really a non-contact infrared thermometer that measures the electromagnet radiation coming from the surface of an object. It features a single circuit chip design that prevents jamming, nonslip cushioned grip, Celsius/Fahrenheit LCD display with backlighting and can detect temperatures ranging from -36 degrees F to 968 degrees F. Oh, almost forgot to mention, the mechanic also had a backpack filled with 14 pounds of gunpowder in it. The alien craft was smoking from the crash, but would it be hot enough to ignite the gunpowder? They couldn’t be sure… but the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting could be. They got as close to the alien craft as they could without being seen, within a few feet of the smoking engine. The mechanic pulled the trigger and took a reading—550 degrees F, more than enough to ignite the gunpowder. Gump closed his eyes and thanked his lucky stars, which was a mistake because while his eyes were closed, the mechanic threw the backpack filled with gunpowder onto the smoking alien engine and ran like a bat out of hell. The mechanic dived into the wormhole just in time. Time, however, was not on Gump’s side—he never opened his eyes again but neither did the aliens… though some of the projectile alien DNA entered the wormhole and mysteriously deposited in Washington D.C. where it continues to proliferate to this day.
Even without the threat of extraterrestrial domination, the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting #60725 ($37.99) from Harbor Freight Tools is incredibly useful—it’s the safest way to measure temperatures in hazardous areas like vehicle engines, other machinery or hard-to-reach places. It’s available at any one of our 500 Harbor Freight stores nationwide. And don’t be surprised if the thermometer’s ridiculously low price alienates the competition…