Before the Empire of Rome, before the Empire of Egypt, before the Empire of Atlantis, there existed the Empire of Spoon Bay. An odd title for an empire granted but such was the name of this historically undocumented peoples. For you geography buffs, Spoon Bay was located due south of the North Pole and due north of the South Pole. Not so coincidentally, the heart of the civilization of Spoon Bayans was located on a bay in the shape of a giant spoon. They rose to supreme power after defeating the Oyster Fork Bayans, but that’s another story for another time.
In Spoon Bay, lived King Albrechtanovich. “King Al” they called him. King Al was a fair and generous monarch. He was wise, thoughtful and never tied criminals to ant hills on holidays. What a guy… King Al ruled for decades and had many wives but was never able to seed his kingdom with an heir. It was all because of a curse cast upon him by Witch Britney of Oyster Fork Bay. She was later tied to an ant hill, but not on a holiday. With the witch “indisposed”, it proved rather difficult to remove the curse. King Al was willing to adopt but their civilization was not yet advanced enough to file all the paperwork needed to open an adoption agency. King Al grew old and the fate of the Empire of Spoon Bay became tenuous.
While walking through downtown Spoon Bay one morning, he noticed a cobbler crafting the most beautiful footwear. “What is thy name?” King Al asked.
“I ameth Steve the Cobbler,” said Steve the Cobbler.
“Welleth, Steve the Cobbler, you haveth a gift that is beyondeth any craftsman I have seeneth in Spoon Bay. Craft me a pair of youreth finest shoes and I will rewardeth thee handsomely.”
“Okey dokeyeth,” said Steve.
Steve the Cobbler worked for three months crafting the most extraordinary pair of shoes for the king. The leather was taken from a cow who was only fed a diet of Ben & Jerry’s Super Fudge Chunk ice cream which made the hide creamy and soft. The laces were made from gossamer threads interlaced with rubies and sapphires. The iridescent soles were made from compressed dragonfly wings to make them light and supple yet hard-wearing.
When the king came to retrieve the shoes, Steve offered him some saltwater taffy while he gave the shoes one last coating of Scotchgard™. Steve came out some time later with the shoes. The king was in awe, never having seen anything as beautiful as those shoes. He was moved to tears. “Steve,” said the king, “if you can crafteth such a wonderful paireth of shoes, you could applyeth your art to ruling the Empire of Spoon Bay. Slipeth those shoes on my feeteths and I will maketh you king!”
Steve knelt down and started to put the shoes on the king. Unfortunately, all the salt in the saltwater taffy made the king’s feet swell up like two hippos at a Serengeti grass buffet. Steve struggled furiously but couldn’t get the shoes around the king’s heels. Too bad Steve didn’t have the Stainless Steel Shoehorn from Harbor Freight Tools! The shoehorn is curved at one end to form an easy finger hold and the stainless steel construction delivers durability and long life. The shoehorn is almost a foot long, which provides added leverage. The Stainless Steel Shoehorn is available at any one of Harbor Freight’s 500 stores nationwide.
Unfortunately for Steve, the nearest Harbor Freight was several thousands of years in his future. Steve was never made king and was last seen tied to the top of Spoon Bay’s largest ant hill. But not on a holiday.
Stainless Steel Shoehorn
item #: 98082