PLANISH OF THE APES

Pneumatic Planishing Hammer

Most of us are familiar with the Planet of the Apes franchise. Basically, apes run the world, humans are enslaved or in hiding and bananas are worth more than their weight in gold. While many think the story is fiction, there was an incident back in 1945 that inspired the whole thing… Guy Spreckle had just returned from the war. He settled back home with his wife and two children in Sopchoppy, Florida. During a poker game one night, he won two chimpanzees named Ed and Mr. Polka Dot. Ed and Mr. Polka Dot were rather smart and could perform basic human tasks like eating with utensils and playing ping pong. They became an integral part of the Spreckle family.

Guy made his money as an auto body technician working right out of a detached garage on his property. Slowly but surely though, his auto body business dropped. Long-time customers stopped bringing their cars to him. When old customers saw Guy around town, they quickly changed direction and avoided him. Guy couldn’t figure out what was happening. A competitor must be underbidding him, but who? As far as he knew, he was the only auto body technician in town. Coincidentally, the grocery stores all around Sopchoppy were selling out of bananas almost daily.

One night, Guy was awakened by a noise out back. He put on his robe and slippers to investigate. The noise was coming from the detached garage. He crept through the door and saw a horrible sight—Ed and Mr. Polka Dot were using a pneumatic planishing hammer to fix the bumper on Old Mr. Grearson’s Studebaker while Mr. Grearson perused Reader’s Digest in the makeshift lobby. Hidden behind a hay bail, he watched how the two chimps expertly worked out the dents, reattached the bumper and then took 10 bananas as payment from Mr. Grearson. Long story short, Guy went bankrupt and moved his family to Dead Horse, Alaska, to work at his sister’s boutique glue shop. Ed and Mr. Polka Dot franchised their auto body business and made a fortune. However, after some shady dealings with a Columbian fruit cartel known as El Plátano Grande, Ed and Mr. Polka Dot were never seen or heard from again…

If you have a metal shop and boast opposable thumbs, you owe it to yourself to visit one of Harbor Freight’s 500+ stores and acquire the Pneumatic Planishing Hammer (item #: 94847). This ingenious tool is perfect for smoothing large areas of metal for welds and panel crowning. With its solid steel frame, the  Pneumatic Planishing Hammer can shape steel up to 18 gauge! It also features foot pedal operation to leave your hands free to work and adjust. It’s a great addition to any metal workshop for working on auto body parts, sheet metal casing and hobbies! And the price is so low, you’ll go bananas!

Pneumatic Planishing Hammer
item#: 94847

MECHANIC’S ROLLER SEAT (a.k.a. BACHELOR’S DINING ROOM CHAIR)

Mechanic's Roller Seat

Most bachelors prefer the term “minimalist” when it comes to home décor. Function often supersedes fashion, style and real furniture. As a result, items in the bachelor pad also serve dual function like the Mechanic’s Roller Seat (item #: 3338) from Harbor Freight Tools.

The foam-cushioned rolling shop seat provides comfort and easy access to tools with an integrated high-impact PVC pan. The seat also features a durable steel frame and smooth-rolling 2 in. swivel casters. For long automotive jobs, you can’t beat it! As a dining room chair, it’s perfect for entertaining that special someone. At first, she may look at the chair with disdain, until you pull out a chocolate-covered strawberry from the high-impact PVC pan then swivel caster over and feed it to her. You deliver a red rose as well and she quickly overlooks the Mechanic’s Roller Seat/dining room chair, along with your beach towel/curtains and boxer shorts/oven mitt…

Mechanic’s Roller Seat
item#: 3338

GREAT FOR WORKING IN DIM LIGHTING, CLOSED SPACES AND TOMB EXCAVATION

King Tutankhamun’s tomb laid undiscovered for over 3000 years. In November of 1922, under the sponsorship of Lord Carnarvon, Howard Carter discovered the tomb in the Valley of the Kings. Personally, with the area being called “Valley of the Kings”, that’s the first place I would have looked for “King” Tut… Valley of the Ox Carts? Probably not. Truth be told, it probably took so long to find King Tut’s tomb because archeologists didn’t have the Swivel Lens Headlamp (Item #: 45807) from Harbor Freight Tools!

The lightweight headlamp allows the user to work hands free without neck strain while the swivel lens can be adjusted 90 degrees up or down to light up any project. It also features an easy on/off button and is waterproof for use outdoors. For plumbing, electrical work or a myriad of other projects, the Swivel Lens Headlamp is indispensable! But don’t be fooled by imitations on the market—Harbor Freight’s Swivel Lens Headlamp is the only one that features anti-curse technology. Try excavating a forbidden tomb with another swivel lens and you could wake up one morning with the head of jackal and the body of a scarab beetle. And you think your dating life sucks now…

Swivel Lens Headlamp
item#: 45807

THEY’RE ALSO GOOD FOR COOKING…

4 Piece Stainless Steel Stock Pot Set

Of course these stainless steel pots are exceptionally functional for the home cook! And yes, the set includes 6, 8, 12 and 16 quart pots with a mirror finish and matching stainless steel lids, ideal for making soups, stews, pasta and more. But that’s secondary to the “real” reason why you’ll want these pots—to ring in the New Year! Come midnight, you’re going to need something that makes noise… a lot of it! Pull out cookware with their fancy smancy non-stock Teflon coatings or French enameled layers and you might as well bang a pillow against a bean bag chair. Now, for the kind of clatter that would wake the dead, look no further than the 4 Piece Stainless Steel Stock Pot Set (item #: 94829) from Harbor Freight Tools!

The stainless steel in these pots is made from chromium and nickel recycled from car horns and flash grenades. As the alloy begins to set, a team of veteran mother-in-laws yells at the steel, trapping a latent resonant sound wave that exponentially unleashes stored up volume during the kinetic action of banging a matching lid or pot against it. The effect is an ear-piercing metallic “BANG” that will not only ring in the New Year, but temporarily deafen anyone within a quarter-mile radius! And after January 1st, 2015, 12:01 am, you can use one of your deluxe stainless steel noise makers to heat up a batch of chili and play charades—since no one will be able to hear what you’re saying for a while anyway…

4 Piece Stainless Steel Stock Pot Set
item#: 94829

 

HO! HO! BACK HO!—IT’S THE TOWABLE RIDE-ON TRENCHER FROM HARBOR FREIGHT TOOLS!

Towable Ride-On Trencher

We received a request from Edna Lebronowitz, Harbor Freight customer and resident of Boar Tush, Alabama. She recalled last year’s holiday post about our trencher and requested a reposting. But do you recall, the most famous trencher of them all?

 

Hey gang, looking for the perfect gift for that hard-to-shop-for person? Harbor Freight has it, the Towable Ride-On Trencher (item: 65162)! It comes with a hitch coupler for hooking up the trencher to your pickup truck. Plus, it’s the perfect stocking stuffer, provided the stocking is at least 12 ft. long by 6 ft. in diameter. Now, we all know the story of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, but few know the song was originally taken from another song entirely which was based on a true story—Rudolf the Towable Ride-On Trencher. And it goes something like this:

You know hack saws and hammers, wrenches and files, power drills and punches to give leather some style, but do you recall, the greatest trencher of them all…

Rudolf, the Towable Ride-On Trencher

Had a 2.7 GPM hydraulic pump

Also a padded comfort seat

To fit any operator’s rump

 

All of the other farmers

Used to dig their trenches by hand

They didn’t have a boom that travels 60 degrees both directions

To dig trenches across their land

 

Then one soggy growing season

The farmers came to say

Rudolf with your 12” DOT certified wheels

Dig a drainage trench and we’ll make you a deal

 

Then how the farmers loved him

As the 3-tooth bucket dug up to 7 ft. deep

The trench drained off the flooded fields

The crops were saved so they could be reaped!

(As a side note, the “deal” the farmers made with Rudolf was 10% profit sharing for that season, which he used to invest in annuities and lived happily ever after.)

 

Towable Ride-On Trencher
item #: 65162
#harborfreight

AN OLD FAVORITE FOR THE NEW HOLIDAYS

Bigfoot Panel Wagon

The holidays—such a wonderful time of the year! The only thing that rivals the happiness of the holidays are the memories of holidays past. And gifts certainly don’t hurt the rankings either way. Today, kids ask for the latest electronic gadgets: cell phones, tablets, video game consoles… but sometimes the old nostalgic favorites resonate with the new generation. Take the Bigfoot Panel Wagon (Item #: 60570) for example. My six-year-old niece wants one, badly. So, I thought I’d let her write about it. Take it away, Natalie…

Um, yeah, I, um, want the Bigfoot Panel Wagon, yeah. It’s really great and fun and I want it. I WANT IT! And if I don’t get it, I’ll tell Mommy that I heard Daddy on, um, his cell phone betting money on football games! And if Mommy, um, yeah, um doesn’t get it for me, then I’m going to tell Daddy that Mommy bought herself a new blazer from Anthropologie and it wasn’t on sale. I really want the Bigfoot Panel Wagon. It’s really neat and it’s got, um, 10-inch pneumonia tires (she meant to say pneumatic tires) and a red powder-coat finish to get rid of cists and dust (she meant to say resists rust). It’s got cool wood panels and it can go over any kind of terrain and ground and stuff and I want it. I WANT IT!

Bigfoot Panel Wagon
Item: 60570

FIRE GOOD! BUT NOT ALWAYS…

Magnesium Fire Starter

Fire was first discovered by Homo habilis around 2.3 million years ago but this tribe of early upright hominids mistook fire for a different kind of “water” and the entire race threw what they thought was going to be an awesome “pool” party—they all jumped into the bubbling volcanic crater at the same time and quickly discovered this red-orange “water” was really hot! Another 500,000 years later, Homo erectus showed up and found the bones of Homo habilis in the then cooled off crater with surprised expressions on their degraded fossilized skulls. Homo erectus looked up at the smoldering volcano close by and put two and two together—hence the first math problem was invented.

Homo erectus had had some close calls with fire themselves—once during a lunar eclipse, the alpha male Krunk drank too much fermented berry juice and ran around the camp like a wild man, which he was, during a lightning storm. Krunk was struck by a bolt of the “magic zigzag” as they called it back then. He may have survived the hit had he not been wearing a primitive tunic made from dried coconut husks coated with a sticky black substance left over from the dinosaurs, which they called “oil”. The good news was that Homo erectus learned how to cook meat that night. The bad news was that Krunk was the entrée. Incidentally, that’s where the term “Don’t drink and run around in a lightning storm wearing dried coconut husks coated with oil” originally came from.

Learning that fire was both good and bad, Homo erectus sought out ways to control it. Lightening proved too unpredictable after several members of the tribe volunteered to be lightening catchers—the successful ones being credited with the invention of “early retirement”. They also tried collecting molten lava in stone containers but the lava quickly cooled and the stone containers then became stone paperweights. Since paper would not be invented for several hundred thousand years, paperweights proved to be slightly impractical and had none of the benefits of fire.

Among Homo erectus there existed one particularly bright erecto, named Gonk. Since there were no written historical records at that time, the details start to get a little fuzzy, but through oral traditions we gather that Gonk was abducted by “big green headed dudes from the sky” (aliens) and given Fundamental Metallurgy and Geology For Dummies to read. When returned to Earth six months later, he invented the Magnesium Fire Starter (item #: 66560)  which is still available today at Harbor Freight Tools. This pocket-sized fire starter can be a lifesaver when you’re outdoors. The serrated-edge blade quickly and easily makes magnesium shavings. The full-length flint when struck with the blade generates sparks—once ignited, the shavings burn at 5400° F, ideal for even wet or windy conditions. Another plus is that in block form, the magnesium is waterproof and fire resistant.

If you’re a backpacker, camper, survivalist or hominid looking to evolve, don’t let your knuckles drag—hurry on over to one of Harbor Freight Tools’ 500+ stores and get the Magnesium Fire Starter!

Magnesium Fire Starter
item#: 66560

HAUTE COUTURE SAFETY

Reflective Safety Vest

Whether vacationing in Saint-Tropez or working on a roadside ditch, you’ll be cradled in the lap of neon luxury with the Reflective Safety Vest (item#: 94701) from Harbor Freight Tools. Fashioned with 100% buttery polyester, this safety vest boasts a loop front closure for easy donning and doffing. Throw a blazer over it and you’re ready for a charity fundraiser or yacht christening.

Integrating a sublimely horizontal twin line pattern, ANSI approved reflective strips not only provide maximum visibility but also tell the world you’re not afraid to be noticed, literally. And when the swing-shift highway work is done, your Reflective Safety Vest is ready to accompany you for the remaining part of the evening out at Le Baron in Paris—or on a shift as a security guard at a manufacturing plant.

Stand out from the rest of the crowd with the extra visibility you deserve, compliments of the Reflective Safety Vest from Harbor Freight Tools!

Look for the Reflective Safety Vest on the runway during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, February 12-19, 2015!

Reflective Safety Vest – Large
Item #: 94701

GIVE A GIFT FROM THE HEART – THE STRAP HINGE!

Strap Hinge

Most of us love the holidays but it gets increasingly challenging year after year to buy something special for the ones we love. Jewelry? So passé… Dig deep this year and don’t be afraid to let your true feelings show! That’s why you should head on over to one of Harbor Freight’s 500+ stores and get the 6″ Extra Heavy Powder-Coated Strap Hinge (item#: 65744) designed for gates, barn doors and other large doors!

This heavy duty strap hinge provides smooth motion and a 270 degree swing. With eight predrilled and countersunk mounting holes, installation is quick and easy. But can this heart-felt hinge stand up to the rigors of winter? Yes siree bobcat tail—this extra heavy strap hinge is made of sheet steel with a black powder-coated finish for added durability to withstand frequent use in nearly any environment. You don’t want your loved ones’ gates or big doors flappin’ in the wind with old rusty hinges squealing like a baby big during shiatsu massage, do ya? No way Ellie Mae, can’t feel the love that way! So give generously this holiday season and help your love ones ho ho hold their big doors in place with the 6″ Extra Heavy Powder-Coated Strap Hinge from Harbor Freight!

Disclaimer: Harbor Freight does not gift wrap, but hey, that’s what tarps and duct tape are for. Tarps and duct tape sold separately.
 

6″ Extra Heavy Powder-Coated Strap Hinge
Item #: 65744

HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S CONE…

Collapsible Reflective Emergency Conesorting hat

When marveling at the huge success of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, one can’t help but wonder if there was a little magical inspiration involved. Rowling herself has mentioned influences of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, Homer’s the Iliad and C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia, all epic literary works. But Professor Unicorn, head of improbable theory at Rex’s BBQ and Correspondence College of Abilene, Texas, submitted the following statement during an interview based on extensively researched pure speculation. “I think Rowling was inspired by Harbor Freight Tools. Take the Collapsible Reflective Emergency Cone (item #: 94111). Now, look at the cone closely. It has an uncanny resemblance to the Sorting Hat in Harry Potter! And her first book was called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone… Stone/Cone… come on!” Shortly after the interview, Professor Unicorn went back on his medication, moved in with his sister and he’s doing just fine.

Whether Rowling was actually inspired by Harbor Freight is still up for debate but what’s certain is that the Collapsible Reflective Emergency Cone is a must-have safety item for unexpected roadside emergencies, especially with winter coming. The cone is made of durable weather resistant polyester/nylon with a polypropylene base. Since it’s collapsible, you can store several easily in the trunk of your car and have them at the ready for an emergency. For example: let’s say you get a flat tire, simply set up the cones while you change the tire—or you could just wave your wand and say TIREUS REPAIRO! Yeah, better visit on of Harbor Freight’s 500+ stores and get some of those cones…

Collapsible Reflective Emergency Cone
item#: 94111