HOW THE PORTABLE SCAFFOLD SAVED A TOWN THAT CAME UP SHORT, LITERALLY…

portable scaffoldThe town of Westminsterchesterouster had a problem. The flourishing settlement was a wonderful place to live—good weather, abundant commerce and low crime. Occasionally, there was a cart jacking or suspected witchcraft but nothing being hung upside down by the toes for three days with leeches on the forehead or burning at the stake couldn’t cure. Westminsterchesterouster expanded to its very borders and there was no place to go but up. That was the problem. The buildings in the town  were really short, no more than 7 ft. high because that’s as far up as the tallest construction workers in the town could reach. The “ladder” was still centuries away from being invented. The town’s elders turned to their brightest citizen, a young visionary named Bartholomew Balsa for help. Having recently discovered Ochroma pyramidale, known as the eponymous “balsa tree”, he was tasked to come up with a solution to facilitate vertical construction indoors and out. He set to work right away. What was needed was some sort of platform but adjustable. It also needed to be portable. Yet it had to be big enough to support two to three artisans or workers at a time.

After six months and 436 sketches later, he constructed an apparatus featuring a platform with 30 adjustment points and a range from 28” to 71 1/8” in height, four locking swivel casters and built-in fittings for optional toe-boards or safety rails. The towns people were thrilled. With the “portable scaffold” as Bartholomew called it, they could reach new heights, literally, and expand the town vertically. Balsa was made honorary mayor and given precious amulets, a horse and two wives as thank you gifts. Unfortunately, his portable scaffold was made of balsa wood which could barely support a potted plant, let alone three workers with tools, mortar and other materials. The first portable scaffold lasted a total of three seconds. The Westminsterchesterousterians took back the amulets, horse and wives. Bartholomew Balsa was hung upside down by his toes for three days with leeches on his forehead, then burned at the stake. But all was not lost, thanks to Edmund Steel, another young visionary who recently discovered that when you mix iron with carbon… Using Balsa’s design, Steel constructed a portable scaffold made of steel. Everything changed after that, including the name of the town. And that’s how New York City became the thriving metropolis it is today…

The Heavy Duty Portable Scaffold from Harbor Freight Tools has all the great features of Bartholomew Balsa’s prototype but is constructed of heavy duty welded steel and holds up to 900 lbs.! Great for working inside and out, the portable scaffold is a must-have for painting, construction plus a wide range of other jobs. Comes with a 28-1/2“  x 67” wooden plank (not balsa wood). Get yours today at one of our 500 stores nationwide. The portable scaffold works like magic—and no one has to be burned at the stake because of it!

Heavy Duty Portable Scaffold
Sku#: 69055

WHEREFORE ART THOU SOLAR HOUSE ADDRESS NUMBER PLAQUE?

It’s a modern-day romantic tragedy… Romeo Finkleburger was at the county fair when he first met eyes with Juliet Sporkatelli. He was a young and successful pharmaceutical salesman. She was a Ph.D. student is ornamental horticulture and part-time bookkeeper. It was love at first ring toss (that’s where the saying comes from). Romeo won a stuffed chinchilla and gave it to Juliet. She named it “Chrysanthemum” after Saint Chrysanthus, the 3rd century martyr who was also credited with inventing the very first WeedWacker before being buried alive in a deep pit. It was a whirlwind romance. They ate funnel cakes, cotton candy and churros—then split a pack of heart-shaped antacids together. Unbeknownst to the young lovers, the Finkleburger and Sporkatelli families were bitter enemies. And then Juliet’s cousin got into a fight with Romeo’s best friend at the fair and stuck Solar House Address Number Plaquehim with the sharp end of a corndog stick. Before leaving the fair, Romeo asked Juliet for her address and vowed to pick her up at midnight so they could run away together. Juliet whole-heartedly agreed and texted Romeo her address. They kissed good-bye, their passion mingling with the sweet yet greasy slick of funnel cake residue.

The Sporkatelli’s lived a rural part of town with no streetlights. As the midnight hour approached Romeo drove down her street in his Prius with the headlights off so as not to draw attention to himself and wake Mr. and Mrs. Sporkatelli. He strained hard to see the street numbers on the houses. Juliet waited in her livingroom peaking out through the curtains waiting for Romeo to arrive. Her heart skipped a beat as she made out the faint silhouette of the approaching hybrid vehicle. From Romeo’s vantage point, he couldn’t see squat. Not being able to see the address, he drove right past Juliet’s home, then through a construction barrier and down a 100-ft. cliff into the wash. Romeo and his Prius were never seen again.

Too bad the Sporkatelli’s didn’t have the Solar House Address Number Plaque from Harbor Freight Tools! The handsome copper-finished solar address sign automatically charges in the sun then lights up super-bright LEDs all night to illuminate your house address. The solar address sign comes with numbers and spaces for a five-digit address and requires no installation or wiring. It also includes a wall bracket mount. While the Solar House Address Number Plaque may not insure that you and the love of your life will live happily ever after, it will guarantee the second greatest joy in life – not having to replace batteries while illuminating your home’s address.

COWBOYS, ALIENS AND THE NON-CONTACT INFRARED THERMOMETER WITH LASER TARGETING

Non Contact Infrared ThermometerYou might remember 1871 as the year Belgium disbanded the salt tax or the year J. Milton Turner was named minister to Liberia or the year British Columbia joined the confederation of Canada. But few remember 1871 as the year that aliens almost took over our beloved planet Earth. Turns out Cowboys and Aliens wasn’t a complete fiction after all. The tiny town of Tiny, Nevada was home to an alien landing back then. An exploration squad from the distant planet of Bureaucratia was scouting out new worlds to conquer through mediocrity, paperwork and bipartisan politics. And their plan would have worked had it not been for Gump Watson, a 21st century auto mechanic and the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting from Harbor Freight Tools. Long story short: The End.

Long story not so short, the alien vessel crashed on a low-level ridge at the edge of town. Gump Watson, Tiny’s sheriff, went to investigate. As he approached the scene, he heard strange noises and an unfamiliar language. He peered out from his hiding place and saw several aliens trying to repair their craft. Though the aliens had the same basic appendages as humans, they were green, ugly and savage looking, like the love child of Nick Nolte and the Incredible Hulk. Gump didn’t know what to do. He had his six shooter, but he didn’t think mere bullets would penetrate their thick hides.  As luck would have it, a wormhole opened at that very moment a few feet away from Gump and out walked an auto mechanic from the future. Introductions were made and Gump explained the situation. How the mechanic got sucked into the wormhole to begin with is anybody’s guess, but it probably had something to do with the convergence of supersymmetric flipped su(5) grand unified field theory and the unexplained longevity of Tom Jones’ singing career.

The mechanic wanted to help but only had one tool with him, the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting from Harbor Freight Tools. Sometimes it’s called a laser thermometer because you use the built-in laser to target the surface, but it’s really a non-contact infrared thermometer that measures the electromagnet radiation coming from the surface of an object. It features a single circuit chip design that prevents jamming, nonslip cushioned grip, Celsius/Fahrenheit LCD display with backlighting and can detect  temperatures ranging from -36 degrees F to 968 degrees F. Oh, almost forgot to mention, the mechanic also had a backpack filled with 14 pounds of gunpowder in it. The alien craft was smoking from the crash, but would it be hot enough to ignite the gunpowder? They couldn’t be sure… but the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting could be. They got as close to the alien craft as they could without being seen, within a few feet of the smoking engine. The mechanic pulled the trigger and took a reading—550 degrees F, more than enough to ignite the gunpowder. Gump closed his eyes and thanked his lucky stars, which was a mistake because while his eyes were closed, the mechanic threw the backpack filled with gunpowder onto the smoking alien engine and ran like a bat out of hell. The mechanic dived into the wormhole just in time. Time, however, was not on Gump’s side—he never opened his eyes again but neither did the aliens… though some of the projectile alien DNA entered the wormhole and mysteriously deposited in Washington D.C. where it continues to proliferate to this day.

Even without the threat of extraterrestrial domination, the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting #60725 ($37.99) from Harbor Freight Tools is incredibly useful—it’s the safest way to measure temperatures in hazardous areas like vehicle engines, other machinery or hard-to-reach places. It’s available at any one of our 500 Harbor Freight stores nationwide. And don’t be surprised if the thermometer’s ridiculously low price alienates the competition…

CAN’T STAND FATIGUE? THEN STAND ON THE 4 PIECE ANTI-FATIGUE FOAM MAT SET!

4 Piece Anti Fatigue Mat SetEvery minute of every day, over 400 children are born into this world that will potentially experience fatigue when standing up for long periods of time as adults. Here are some other facts you may not know about fatigue:

• Fatigue is the number one cause of symptoms related to fatigue.
• According to a study conducted by Timothy Leary in 1971, a group of lab rats were forced to stand for three hours straight and spontaneously combusted into multiple colors.
• Fatigue comes from the Latin word fatīgāre, which means “to tire”. People who spoke Latin tired easily.
• “Fatigue” is not in Webster’s Dictionary because Noah Webster was too fatigued to include it.
• Dolphins and howler monkeys never get fatigued.

Despite the pandemic threat of fatigue, our government continues to do nothing. But YOU don’t have to take fatigue lying down even though that’s what most people do when they experience it. Like most conditions, diseases and bad politicians who get elected, prevention is the best cure. At Harbor Freight Tools, we’re doing our part to prevent the onset of fatigue with the 4 Piece Anti-Fatigue Foam Mat Set. This set of anti-fatigue foam mats gives your aching feet a rest indoors or out. Waterproof, lightweight and easy to clean, the anti-fatigue mats lock together in multiple configurations—place in front of work tables or any area where you might be standing for extended periods of time! Plus, the ½” thick mats are impact absorbent, adding both comfort and safety to your work area. If you’re tired of fatigue, or tired from fatigue, then muster up whatever energy you have left and head on over to one of 500 Harbor Freight stores nationwide! Take a stand on fatigue by standing on the 4 Piece Anti-Fatigue Foam Mat Set from Harbor Freight Tools!

4 Piece Anti-Fatigue Foam Mat Set
Sku#: 94635

CENTRAL MACHINERY CEMENT MIXER – A FAVORITE AMONG FARMERS, CONTRACTORS AND THE MAFIA!

Cement MixerA favorite among farmers, contractors and the Mafia—check out the 3-1/2 Cubic Ft. Cement Mixer from Harbor Freight Tools! This Cement Mixer handles stucco, mortar or concrete at 36 RPM. Plus, the two large wheels make it easily portable! Constructed of solid steel, this mixer is great for both construction and farm applications such as seed inoculation or mixing feed. Whether working on the farm, construction site or in the yard, this versatile cement mixer handles just about any mixing job! So, why is it such a big hit with the Mafia? It’s not what you’re thinking, cement shoes and all that. According to an FBI informant, the Mafia is getting into organic farming. Yup, high cholesterol and degenerative medical conditions are taking their toll on organized crime. Several kingpins such as Vinnie “The Vegan” Garbanzo, Anthony “Vitamin A” Arugula and “Broccoli” Benny Baduchi have found that a low-fat diet consisting of organic fruits and vegetables, cutting out carbs like pasta and bread, no dairy and, of course, 30 to 40 minutes of Vinyasa yoga a day greatly reduces LDL, triglyceride levels and the urge to seek revenge on rivals. This excerpt was taken from an undercover recording where two Mafia members discuss the upcoming crop:

Mafiosa 1: Wadda mean youz ain’t gonna use no inoculant on them legumes?
Mafiosa 2: Let’s just plant them seeds and seez what happens!
Mafiosa 1: Seez what happens? Are ya stupid or somethin’? If we don’t inoculate with the proper rhizobacteria, we’ll never be able to fix the nitrogen to fuel the plant growth and nourish the soil for subsequent crops!
Mafiosa 2: Geez, I never thought about that!
Mafiosa 1: Enough lip flappin’! Youz go get us that seed inoculant!
Mafiosa 2: How come I gotta get it?
Mafiosa 1: ‘Cause I already picked up the 3-1/2 Cubic Ft. Cement Mixer from Harbor Freight Tools!
Mafiosa 2: Was it expensive?
Mafiosa 1: Are kiddin’? With their quality tools at ridiculously low prices, they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse…

3-1/2 Cubic Ft. Cement Mixer
Sku#: 67536
$189.99

http://bit.ly/1mu9XOG

 

OUR DARKEST HOUR DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THANKS TO THE 16 LED HAND CRANK SPOTLIGHT!

Happy New Year! Are you ready for the apocalypse?

According to Norse mythology experts, Ragnarök is predicted to take place on February 22, 2014. A great battle will take place involving Odin, Thor and the other gods, there will be catastrophic natural disasters and Robert Goulet will rise from the grave and put out another album, Armageddon to Know You! (Too soon on the Goulet joke?) Don’t let the end darken your mood—let a little light in with the 16 LED Hand Crank Spotlight from Harbor Freight Tools! This hand crank spotlight allows you to choose between bright (10 LEDs) and super-bright (16 LEDs) modes with the flip of a switch! The hand crlightank spotlight also features an automatic shut-off to prevent overcharging and can deliver up to 28 hours of illumination on a full charge.. Okay, so let’s say that Ragnarök doesn’t happen, just for the sake of discussion. The 16 LED Hand Crank Spotlight is still a great item to have at home, in your vehicle and in the shop to provide light when and where you need it! With multi-charge capacity, you can crank it up by hand, plug it into a cigarette lighter or use a 120-volt AC/DC adapter (not included) to charge it. It even has a fancy lanyard to reduce the likelihood of dropping it on your foot—as if Ragnarök isn’t bad enough…

16 LED Hand Crank Spotlight
Sku#: 96141

DON’T SETTLE FOR A WRONG-SHAPED HEATER OR WRONG-SHAPED HEAT! GO PARABOLIC!

It turns out the circle is NOT nature’s most perfect shape. Scientists at an undisclosed laboratory somewhere in Spain have determined that the parabola is nature’s most perfect shape. Turns out the circle is parabolic heaternature’s most “round” shape. According to dictionary.com, a parabola is “a plane curve formed by the intersection of a right circular cone with a plane parallel to a generator of the cone; the set of points in a plane that are equidistant from a fixed line and a fixed point in the same plane or in a parallel plane.” Think of the letter “U” and you should be able to get through  a cocktail-party conversation about the parabola. So, why is parabolic heat superior to circular heat, triangular heat or rectangular heat for that matter? Remember those scientists in Spain? Through exhaustive research, here’s a summary of their findings… Heat emanating from a circle “circulates”. Not bad but the heat gets diluted. Heat from a triangle “triangulates”. Better, but we don’t live in a three-sided world. And heat from a rectangle “rectangulates”, which is so inefficient, rectangulate isn’t even a word. Along those lines, you’d think that parabolic heat “parabolates”. Alas, no! According to that exhaustive scientific research in Spain, when a parabolic shape is created either in nature or mechanically, magic fairies materialize out of thin air and propel any surrounding heat out of the wide end of the parabola with exponential force. No such fairies appear with other shapes. Once this ground-breaking research was revealed, Harbor Freight jumped on the opportunity to provide a parabolic heater to its chill-stricken customers!

In addition to its superior shape, the 400/800 Watt Parabolic Heater features two heat settings, wide oscillating angle and adjustable tilting angle, plus a safety tip-over switch that automatically shuts off the heater if it’s turned over. Weighing in under 5 pounds, this heater is as portable as it is powerful! Don’t settle for a wrong-shaped heater or wrong-shaped heat. You deserve parabolic heat—you deserve the 400/800 Watt Parabolic Heather from Harbor Freight Tools!

400/800 Watt Parabolic Heater
Sku #: 94777

HO! HO! BACK HO!—IT’S THE TOWABLE RIDE-ON TRENCHER FROM HARBOR FREIGHT TOOLS!

Hey gang, looking for the perfect gift for that hard-to-shop-for person? Harbor Freight has it, the Towable Ride-On Trencher! It comes with a hitch coupler for hooking up the trencher to your pickup truck. Plus, it’s the perfect stocking stuffer, provided the stocking is at least 12 ft. long by 6 ft. in diameter. Now, we all know the story of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, but few know the song was originally taken from another song entirely which was based on a true story—Rudolf the Towable Ride-On Trencher. And it goes something like this:

 

You know hack saws and hammers, wrenches and files, power drills and punches to give leather some style, but do you recall, the greatest trencher of them all…

Towable Ride-On Trencher

Rudolf, the Towable Ride-On Trencher

Had a 2.7 GPM hydraulic pump

Also a padded comfort seat

To fit any operator’s rump

 

All of the other farmers

Used to dig their trenches by hand

They didn’t have a boom that travels 60 degrees both directions

To dig trenches across their land

 

Then one soggy growing season

The farmers came to say

Rudolf with your 12” DOT certified wheels

Dig a drainage trench and we’ll make you a deal

 

Then how the farmers loved him

As the 3-tooth bucket dug up to 7 ft. deep

The trench drained off the flooded fields

The crops were saved so they could be reaped!

 

(As a side note, the “deal” the farmers made with Rudolf was 10% profit sharing for that season, which he used to invest in annuities and lived happily ever after.)

 

Towable Ride-On Trencher

Sku#: 65162

THE RECIPROCATING SAW AND THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOOLS

Once upon a time, just north of Easter Island there lied an archipelago that was rarely visited due to its razor sharp reefs, tumultuous currents, jagged cliffs and uneven terrain. In the center of this island chain existed an island like no other. This island had become the refuge for tools that never found a place in the hearts or tool boxes of the human race, hence its name, The Island of Misfit Tools. Inhabitants included the hammer with two claws and no head, the D clamp and the handleless wrench. These poor tools spent their days wandering around the island, reading Niche and lawn bowling but what they really desired was to be put to use by loving contractors or do-it-yourselfers. For a time, the reciprocating saw was among them. It seemed no one could figure out how to utilize a combination jigsaw/hack saw that was also portable. But then a miracle happened, the big guy in the red suit showed up—can you guess who? Yup, it was Gus the Handyman in his patent-pending crimson jump suit. Long story short but Gus had been hot air ballooning in Chile while on vacation and got caught in a storm that blew him clear across to the Island of Misfit Tools. Fortunately, the balloon was unscathed but the basket was badly damaged—fixing it was his only chance of getting back to the mainland.6 Amp Reciprocating Saw with Rotating Handle

He found trees with bamboo-like branches all over the island but no way to cut them. The double-claw hammer proved useless and the D clamp wasn’t much better. The handless wrench? Forget about it. But the reciprocating saw… ah ha! Now, at this point of the story, you’re probably wondering where he would have plugged in the reciprocating saw. As the saying goes “curiosity killed the cat” so it’s best not to expound on every little tiny detail… Where were we? Oh yeah, so, Gus used the reciprocating saw to cut the branches and repair the basket. He returned to the mainland with his new favorite tool, the reciprocating saw. Shortly thereafter, the entire archipelago sunk into the abyss due to an ancient Incan curse never to be seen again. Sometimes, on a clear night from the beaches of Antofagasta, Chili, you can hear the desperate and hopeless cries (albeit muffled by several thousand feet of sea water) of the misfit tools that never got put to use. It’s pretty disturbing…

On a happier note, everyone loves the reciprocating saw, especially the powerful 6 Amp Reciprocating Saw with Rotating Handle from Harbor Freight Tools. The handle rotates 180° with five positive stops at 0, 45° and 90° left, as well as 45° and 90° right for comfortable and controlled cutting from any angle. Features also include a pivoting shoe plate for increased stability and a rubber grip. It also has a ½” twist-lock blade chuck for fast, easy blade changes and a variable speed trigger with a switch lock-on button. The 6 Amp Reciprocating Saw with Rotating Handle has become an indispensable favorite among plumbers, electricians, contractors and DIYers. And for those of you into hot air ballooning…

 

6 Amp Reciprocating Saw with Rotating Handle
Sku#: 65570

Pocket Ref Third Edition

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. Useless fact. The conveyor belt maximum angle of loose cement is 22 degrees. Useful fact! John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. Useless fact. The normal human hearing range is between 30 and 15,000 Hertz. Useful fact! Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster than the rereference-bookst of us. Useless fact. The safe load for clear solid ice if you’re cross country skiing is 3 inches. Useful fact!

What’s the difference between useless facts and useful facts? Well, useless facts are useless, just like this sentence. Useful facts are useful (warning: this sentence is also useless)! Useless facts can be found all over the Internet. But a whole heapful of useful facts can be found in one place, the Pocket Ref 3rd Edition at Harbor Freight Tools (Ref stands for “reference”—another useful fact).

This book has it all—periodic tables, pipe specs, material weights and other properties, conversion tables, general science, 14-year perpetual calendar and my personal favorite, radioisotope half lives! Get one for the home, one for the toolbox, one for the glove box and one for your pocket, just make sure it’s a big pocket—the book contains over 800 pages of steaming hot reference information!

But who wants to put steaming hot anything in their pocket? Let’s try that again—the book has over 800 pages of stuff! Much better… If you’re a contractor, DIYer, mom, dad, uncle, carpenter, metallurgist, ornamental horticulturalist, mad scientist, hydraulic pressure historian or none of the above, this handy reference book is sure to become a favorite—and that’s a useful fact!

Pocket Ref Third Edition
Sku #: 35569