THE COBBLER WHO WAS ALMOST KING

Stainless Steel Shoehorn

Before the Empire of Rome, before the Empire of Egypt, before the Empire of Atlantis, there existed the Empire of Spoon Bay. An odd title for an empire granted but such was the name of this historically undocumented peoples. For you geography buffs, Spoon Bay was located due south of the North Pole and due north of the South Pole. Not so coincidentally, the heart of the civilization of Spoon Bayans was located on a bay in the shape of a giant spoon. They rose to supreme power after defeating the Oyster Fork Bayans, but that’s another story for another time.

In Spoon Bay, lived King Albrechtanovich. “King Al” they called him. King Al was a fair and generous monarch. He was wise, thoughtful and never tied criminals to ant hills on holidays. What a guy… King Al ruled for decades and had many wives but was never able to seed his kingdom with an heir. It was all because of a curse cast upon him by Witch Britney of Oyster Fork Bay. She was later tied to an ant hill, but not on a holiday. With the witch “indisposed”, it proved rather difficult to remove the curse. King Al was willing to adopt but their civilization was not yet advanced enough to file all the paperwork needed to open an adoption agency. King Al grew old and the fate of the Empire of Spoon Bay became tenuous.

While walking through downtown Spoon Bay one morning, he noticed a cobbler crafting the most beautiful footwear. “What is thy name?” King Al asked.

“I ameth Steve the Cobbler,” said Steve the Cobbler.

“Welleth, Steve the Cobbler, you haveth a gift that is beyondeth any craftsman I have seeneth in Spoon Bay. Craft me a pair of youreth finest shoes and I will rewardeth thee handsomely.”

“Okey dokeyeth,” said Steve.

Steve the Cobbler worked for three months crafting the most extraordinary pair of shoes for the king. The leather was taken from a cow who was only fed a diet of Ben & Jerry’s Super Fudge Chunk ice cream which made the hide creamy and soft. The laces were made from gossamer threads interlaced with rubies and sapphires. The iridescent soles were made from compressed dragonfly wings to make them light and supple yet hard-wearing.

When the king came to retrieve the shoes, Steve offered him some saltwater taffy while he gave the shoes one last coating of Scotchgard™. Steve came out some time later with the shoes. The king was in awe, never having seen anything as beautiful as those shoes. He was moved to tears. “Steve,” said the king, “if you can crafteth such a wonderful paireth of shoes, you could applyeth your art to ruling the Empire of Spoon Bay. Slipeth those shoes on my feeteths and I will maketh you king!”

Steve knelt down and started to put the shoes on the king. Unfortunately, all the salt in the saltwater taffy made the king’s feet swell up like two hippos at a Serengeti grass buffet. Steve struggled furiously but couldn’t get the shoes around the king’s heels. Too bad Steve didn’t have the Stainless Steel Shoehorn from Harbor Freight Tools! The shoehorn is curved at one end to form an easy finger hold and the stainless steel construction delivers durability and long life. The shoehorn is almost a foot long, which provides added leverage. The Stainless Steel Shoehorn is available at any one of Harbor Freight’s 500 stores nationwide.

Unfortunately for Steve, the nearest Harbor Freight was several thousands of years in his future. Steve was never made king and was last seen tied to the top of Spoon Bay’s largest ant hill. But not on a holiday.

Stainless Steel Shoehorn
item #: 98082

JUTE TWINE – SO INCREDIBLE IT EVEN INSPIRED THE BEATLES

Jute TwineWe often take the obvious for granted—cell phones, spouses, See’s Candy… But every now and then, when we really take pause and imbibe the world around us, our eyes open to the true beauty inherent in all things. We look upon a small child playing “Stairway to Heaven” on maracas and weep at the splendor. We see a dog at the park running after a thrown tennis ball and thank the universe for tennis so the dog has something to fetch.  We look at clouds and revel in the glory that they’re not concealing giant vampire bats. Ah, there’s so much to be grateful for, not the least of which is Jute Twine (item#: 66602) from Harbor Freight Tools, an obvious staple of DIYers and contractors alike.

This 200-ft. roll of biodegradable Jute Twine is ideal for hobby work, crafts, household use and garden applications because it won’t harm plants—probably because jute started off as a plant and it takes care of its own. Keep a couple rolls on hand for binding, cordoning off and other jutesque tasks. This stuff is so amazing, it’s inspired famous recording artists and respective songs like Foreigner’s “Jute Box Hero”, Tag Team’s “Jute There It Is”, Bruno Mars’ “Jute The Way You Are” and the Beatle’s legendary hit “Hey Jute” (lyrics below). And the price you’ll pay for 200 Ft. of June Twine at Harbor Freight? Now that’ll be music to your ears…

 

The Beatles – “Hey Jute” lyrics

Hey Jute, don’t bind too tight
Take a sad plant and make it stronger
Remember to wrap firmly around the stake
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jute, you’re greenish gray
Your  fiber’s thick like a woolen sweater
The minute your unraveling kicks in
Then you begin to make projects better

And anytime you feel the strain, hey Jute, refrain
Double up to make your strands work stronger
For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool
By chintzing on twine so the roll lasts longer

Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah

Hey Jute, tie yourself off
You have bound it, now let it prosper
Remember to leave room for growing stems
You’re binding’s crème de la crème to make it better

So unravel out, wind in, hey Jute, begin
You’re don’t need twist ties to prosper
And don’t you know that it’s just you, hey Jute, you’ll do
The movement comes ‘cause you’re a natural fiber
Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah yeah

Hey Jute, don’t bind too tight
Take a sad plant and make it stronger
Remember to wrap firmly around the stake
Then you can start to make it
Better better better better better better, oh

Hah Hah Hah Harbor Freight, Harbor Freight, hey Jute…

 

200 Ft. Jute Twine
item#: 66602

SIBLING RIVALRY AND THE SAWHORSE

folding sawhorseIt’s a story as old as the Bible itself, a story about two brothers, Titus and Dudley Cabazon. Paternal twins, Titus was born three minutes ahead of Dudley. As a result, he was given the cool name, inspired by the Roman emperor Titus Flavius Caesar Vespasianus Augustus. Dudley on the other hand was named after Dudley Do-Right, one of his father’s favorite cartoon characters. He was almost named “Scooby” had his father not experienced a sudden bout of compassion.

As fate bestowed the first born, Titus was great at everything. He excelled in academics, sports and anything else he tried. Even when it came to women… Titus went to their senior prom with his girlfriend, a Norwegian exchange student, Enne Borksoloffsön, who worked as a Victoria’s Secret model during summers. Dudley went to the prom with his cousin Wendy (a.k.a. Wrecking-Ball Wendy because she looked like one). In contrast, Dudley only excelled at one thing: being jealous of Titus.

Before Titus was slated to go to Harvard and Dudley started his career as a cattle prod tester, their father who was a carpenter suffered a slipped disc. Fortunately, he was able to get surgery but his doctor warned him that if he bent down too much while working, he may do irreparable damage to his spine and never work again.

Mr. Cabazon was torn. Early retirement wasn’t an option with Titus going to Harvard but he knew that on any job site, he’d have to bend over to work on carpentry projects. If only there was something that elevated the materials so he wouldn’t have to bend over too much. Dudley resolved himself to finding a solution. Even though Dudley had nothing to gain by his twit brother going to Harvard, he saw the situation as an opportunity to get into his father’s good graces. And if he succeeded, his perfect brother would be indebted to him!

Dudley worked tirelessly for days on end to invent a device that would elevate work pieces. No food or sleep, just occasional sips of pomegranate juice to sustain him. He emerged from his cocoon with a prototype. The device looked like two capital A’s positioned parallel to one another and held together at their apexes by a perpendicular crossbar. Two of those devices side by side could support an ample-sized work piece. “What do you call it?” his father asked.

Dudley beamed, “I call it the sawpony!” The engineering was sound but just one problem, the sawpony was only six inches high. His father liked the concept but elevating materials only six inches off the ground still meant he’d have to bend over a lot. As timing would have it, Titus arrived home after taking Enne lingerie shopping and walked in on his father and brother conversing about the sawpony.

“Hey, what if you put longer legs on it so it would have a height of about 30 inches,” chimed in Titus. “You wouldn’t have to bend over then. What do you think, Dad? Oh, and because it’ll be taller, you should call it the sawhorse!”

Made of Sturdy weather-resistant injection molded PVC, the 350 Lb. Capacity Folding Sawhorse from Harbor Freight Tools weighs in at under 4 lbs. Plus, it conveniently folds away for easy storage. The 350 Lb. Capacity Folding Sawhorse from Harbor Freight Tools makes it easy to elevate heavy work pieces without all the bending over. Get a set for yourself—and maybe a set for your brother. You owe him…

350 lb. Capacity Folding Sawhorse
item# 69446

THE GIANT SQUID TENTACLE OF TOOLS…

Easy ReachAt first glance, the EZ Reach & Grab Pickup and Reaching Tool (item#: 69447) looks like something a grumpy, wrinkled man on a rickety porch would have on hand so he wouldn’t actually have to move more than 3 inches to grab anything in close proximity.  Think about when you were growing up and Old Man Turner on the corner yelling “Hey you kids, get out of my yard!” as he uses the EZ Reach tool to grab a pine cone on his porch to throw at you, only he’s too weak to throw it so he just drops it back onto his porch and curses under his breath, “Dagnabbit!” On second glance, you don’t have to be a grumpy old man to use arguably the greatest invention since the personal computer. I said “arguably”…

This long reach tool extends your reach nearly 3 ft. Not only can you pick up pine cones on your porch without having to bend down, but you can grab things high up on shelves, or that have fallen behind the couch, or are under the bed… WAY under the bed. The tool has super suction cup grippers—it’s like a giant squid tentacle grabbing onto something but without the fishy smell. Also, the trigger lock keeps the jaws locked on the item, also like a giant squid tentacle. The EZ Reach tool is basically the giant squid tentacle of tools—but in a good way. You know how those giant squid are, once they grab onto something, they usually keep a tight grip on it. Of course, at some point they’ll just let go for no apparent reason because cognitive thought is not really an option for cephalopods. But once you, a human, grabs onto something with the EZ Reach tool, you can use your evolved and superior intellect to hold onto stuff as long as you want, sort of. Eventually, you’ll have to eat and sleep, but I think you know where I’m going with this.

Visit one of 500 Harbor Freight Tool stores to get the EZ Reach & Grab Pickup and Reaching Tool and start harnessing the power of a giant squid tentacle today! It’s cephalorrific!

EZ Reach & Grab Pickup and Reaching Tool
item#: 69447

REMOVE WHEEL BEARINGS, MAKE APPLE CIDER, BUT NOT AT THE SAME TIME…

20 Ton Shop Press“Who needs a 20 Ton Shop Press?” questioned Artie Snarduckerus while perusing the aisles of his local Harbor Freight Tool store. That’s when the call came.

His wife was in a panic. Edna Snarduckerus, who was an automotive psychic, had a premonition that the front wheel bearings on her Mustang would need replacing within the next three hours or else an asteroid the size of Canada would collide with Neptune which would throw off the gravitational pull of  the other planets in our solar system which would in turn lead to the annihilation of earth and extinction of the human race. She wasn’t quite sure how that chain of events laid out but she knew better than to question a premonition based on total random chance that may not have any vestige of truth in it.

Coincidentally, Edna’s father was coming for an afternoon visit to discuss his will and Edna’s future inheritance. Her father was a stern and difficult man—he could be generous one minute and disown you the next. Edna loved her father more than his money—but the money came a close second. She remembered how much her father enjoyed fresh pressed apple cider and Artie has just picked a bushel of apples from their backyard trees. She surmised that a little cider may go a long way to secure her and Artie’s financial future.

To ward off human extinction and sweeten his father-in-law’s mood, Artie purchased the 20 Ton Shop Press, item #32879. He got it home and assembled the shop press lickety-split. His father-in-law was due to arrive within the hour. He wouldn’t have time to remove and replace the bearings and make cider… unless he did it at the same time. He set up racks with the mashed up apple wrapped in cloth on top of each other, then put ply board on top of that, then put the wheel bearing on top of that and went to work.

Despite the rush he was in, Artie couldn’t help but notice how the H-frame shop press had open side heavy duty construction to enable work on long work pieces, not to mention the adjustable table to establish the best working distance possible and how the spring return ram speeds up work. He thought about all the things he could use the 20 Ton Shop Press for—removal of pressure fitted parts, bending or straightening metal, removing and installing gears, U-joints, ball joints and pulleys… and yes, making even more apple cider.

Long story short, Artie finished up the wheel bearings and the apple cider 3 hours and five minutes after Edna’s call. He was five minutes past his wife’s premonition timeframe but he figured the universe would cut him some slack considering traffic.

As it turned out, grease from the bearings got into the apple cider which really cheesed off Edna’s father. He left them nothing in his will—which turned out to be fine because the universe decided not to cut Artie any slack and the world ended as we know it. Did I mention this all happened in a parallel universe? No?

Anyway, it won’t be the end of the world if you don’t visit one of Harbor Freight’s 500 stores and purchase the reliable 20 Ton Shop Press. But do you really want to take that chance? Think about it over a nice glass of freshly-squeezed apple cider.

20 Ton Shop Press
item#: 32879

CUTS LUMBER LIKE A DREAM, BUT NOT THE DREAM WITH THE TALKING POSSUM…

You ever have that dream where you’re in a forest wearing a trench coat and bunny slippers and there’s a talking possum who tells you, “You can’t stay here, the red wind is coming” and then you’re transported to the Chicago World’s Fair in 1893 and when you go to buy peanuts the peanut vendor is actually that same talking possum who tells you, “You can’t stay here, the red wind is coming” and then you fall backwards screaming only instead of sound coming out, the colors of the rainbow stream out of your mouth and you’re completely paralyzed and then a crowd of people, the possum and a unicorn gather around you and start chanting “You can’t stay here, the red wind is coming, you can’t stay here, the red wind is coming”… and then you wake up. I hate that dream. But I love the reality of the Portable Saw Mill with 280cc Gas Engine (item #: 61712) from Harbor Freight Tools!

Portable Saw Mill

The Portable Saw Mill can handle logs and flat stock up to 20” in diameter and width respectively. You can go up to 4-1/2 in. with the cutting thickness and accommodate stock up to 9 ft, 2 in. in length. The blade speed generates up to 3279 FPM – thought it would take forever to build that log cabin from scratch? Think again! The Portable Saw Mill is designed to operate on regular unleaded gasoline—no more fancy smancy special-order portable saw mill gas necessary! To get your Portable Saw Mill, get going to one of 500 Harbor Freight stores no because you can’t stay here, the red wind is coming!

Portable Saw Mill with 280cc Gas Engine
item# 61712

VACUUM STORAGE BAGS AND THE END OF THE PUFFY CLOTHES CRISIS

Vacuum Storage BagIn 1999, the United States government, using precious tax dollars, conducted an 8-year, $330 million dollar study to find out why clothes got puffy with age. The results were truly remarkable – while fibers do breakdown as clothes get washed and worn thus loosening the weave and causing some increase in volume, the real reason why clothes take up so much more space in our closets and drawers over time is because as we get older, the time spent carefully folding and ironing clothes is inversely proportionate to the time spent consuming strawberry margaritas. When the results were published, the public clamored for a solution to the Puffy Clothes Crisis. The obvious answer of switching to regular or peach margaritas had no effect.

The situation was hopeless… hopeless that is until a bartender named Horatio Fanglehorn from El Duende, New Mexico, had an idea. Fanglehorn noticed that pimento olives kept longer than regular pitted olives. As fate would endow, one of Fanglehorn’s regular customers at the Rusty Catfish Bar & Postal Annex happened to be a food deterioration specialist who surmised that the pitted olive had more surface area in contact with air, hence, deteriorated quicker than the pimento olive which had less surface area exposed to air due to a big ol’ pimento stuffed into it (note: “big ol’” is the scientific term for large).

At home, Fanglehorn’s closets were overflowing with puffy clothes. One fine Sunday afternoon while cleaning out the master-bedroom closet, his wife commented “This sucks!” That’s when Fanglehorn had his “aha” moment – suck out the air! Not only will clothes be preserved but more importantly sucking out the air would condense their volume, thus creating more space. Flash forward to Harbor Freight Tools and the Set of Three Vacuum Storage Bags made from durable polyethylene and nylon. The Vacuum Storage Bags are reusable, airtight and watertight. Plus, they’re transparent so you can view the contents, making sure your three-year-old didn’t vacuum seal last night’s leftover lasagna while you fell asleep watching reruns of Breaking Bad. The set includes one large and two medium bags as well as a bonus roll-up compression bag. Pack clothing, blankets or camping gear in the Vacuum Storage Bags then use your vacuum cleaner to remove the air from inside. No pimentos needed!

Thanks to Horatio Fanglehorn and Harbor Freight Tools, you can visit any one of our 500 stores and put an end to the Puffy Clothes Crisis once and for all…

Vacuum Storage Bags, Set of Three
item#95613

YOUR PERMANENTLY ATTACHED GARAGE NIGHTMARE IS OVER!

Portable Garage

Tired of garages permanently attached to your house or other dwelling? Fatigued by having to park your car, truck or motorcycle in the same place day after day? Worried that if you don’t park your vehicle in a fixed and firm garage, it will be subject to harsh weather, grueling sunlight and paint-ruining bat guano? Now, thanks to the seller of the Portable Fish Finder, Portable Scaffolding and Portable Wet Cutting Tile Saw comes a revolutionary product that makes protecting your vehicle portarrific! Check out the 10 ft. x 17 ft. Portable Garage (#69039) by Harbor Freight Tools!

This portable garage protects your vehicle in all kinds of weather with a drum-tight cover and door panel. The best-in-class cover attachment keeps the portable garage cover secure during heavy rains or wind. Featuring a stabilized 1.27″ dia. all-steel frame with a weather resistant enamel finish, 15″ auger anchors for dirt or asphalt and heavy duty webbed straps with ratchet-action tensioning to keep the cover tight and secure, this portable garage provides unparalleled protection to your vehicle. The cover material itself is made from a mysterious polymer found in outer space during a secret military mission to Venus. It’s weather-resistant, UV treated and when wrapped around your head, can protect you from the ill effects of gamma radiation and Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Ready to get your 10 ft. x 17 ft. Portable Garage today? Wait, there’s more! Buy one 10 ft. x 17 ft. Portable Garage in the next ten minutes and we’ll sell you another 10 ft. x 17 ft. Portable Garage for the exact same price as the first one! That’s two 10 ft. x 17 ft. Portable Garages for one combined ridiculously low price! But hold onto your socks because if you buy two 10 ft. x 17 ft. Portable Garages in the next 2 minutes and fifteen seconds, we’ll throw in the Portable Tire Changer for 20% off! (Disclaimer: 20% coupon must be provided at time of purchase and can only be used for the Portable Tire Changer; the earlier claim that the 10 ft. x 17 ft. Portable Garage cover material can protect one against the ill effects of Keeping Up with the Kardashians was solely used for advertising hype and is actually false – there is nothing on the planet nor anywhere in the known universe that can protect you from the Kardashians.)

Sounds too true to be good… I mean too good to be true? Visit one of our 500 stores nationwide and discover that portable is more than affordable at Harbor Freight!

10 ft. x 17 ft. Portable Garage
item#69039

OBD II & CAN Code Reader with Multilingual Menu

image_12018

THE POTENTIAL-PROBLEM-UNDER-THE-HOOD TRANSLATOR
LE TRADUCTEURPOTENTIEL-PROBLÈME-SOUS-LE-HOOD
ELTRADUCTOR POTENCIAL SIN PROBLEMAS EN RÉGIMEN DE-LA-HOOD

If cars could talk, you’d still need an interpreter to figure out their problems. That’s where the OBD II & CAN Code Reader with Multilingual Menu (item #: 98568) from Harbor Freight Tools comes in. While it looks like a combination smart phone/digital deep fryer thermometer, the Code Reader is a technical marvel.  The CAN OBDII Code Reader reads your car’s computer to find out what the problems are when the “CHECK ENGINE” light comes on. And speaking of interpreters, you can get the information about the detected malfunction in English, French or Spanish. But what if you speak English and drive a French car down to Mexico and the check engine light comes on? You’re covered. But if you’re German and drive a Japanese car down to India and the check engine light comes on, you may be in trouble, unless of course you speak English, French or Spanish.

The point is you could save some serious euros, yen or renminbi by diagnosing auto issues yourself! You’ll even save a pretty pula on extra batteries because the OBD II & CAN Code Reader with Multilingual Menu doesn’t need them – it’s powered by your vehicle’s battery. To get your OBD II & CAN Code Reader with Multilingual Menu, visit any one of Harbor Freight’s 500 stores. There’s probably one nearby because it’s a small world after all…

OBD II & CAN Code Reader with Multilingual Menu
item#: 98568

THE LATEST FAD WITH TEENAGERS—SANDBLASTING!

Pressurized Abrasive BlasterIn a recent unsubstantiated report, unsupported facts reveal that the latest fad among teenagers is—sandblasting. Ginger P. from Arlee, Montana commented “I just got like so tired of planking and that video ‘What Does the Fox Say?’ I don’t think foxes really sound like that. But like whatever, who cares. What really gets me upset are people who are mean to animals and rusted metal parts. I can’t change people’s hearts when it comes to dogs and howler monkeys and stuff but I can load up the Pressurized Abrasive Blaster from Harbor Freight Tools with some sweet abrasive media and get rid of rust!”

Ginger went on to talk about how her popularity has really grown in high school since she started in with auto paint removal as well using the Pressurized Abrasive Blaster. “I was voted prom queen and I’m dating the captain of the football team. I think he’s just dating me for my Pressurized Abrasive Blaster but like who cares, he’s so cute! OMG, like the Pressurized Abrasive Blaster is the best!” When asked what made it the best, Ginger commented:

“Like the media hopper for up to 1.3 hour working time with standard media and tip.”

Like the pressurized tank that moves abrasives at 80 to 90 percent of air speed.”

Like the water trap that removes moisture to prevent clogging.

Like the nozzle end shutoff valve for safety.

And like the 6 in. rubber wheels!”

In additional to popular teens, do-it-yourselfers and contractors can all enjoy the Pressurized Abrasive Blaster when used with an air compressor (sold separately).  “LOL, like he forgot to tell you it can be used with the Blast Cabinet also sold separately! Like go to one of 500 Harbor Freight stores nationwide to get the Pressurized Abrasive Blaster and then like u and me can be BFFs!!!”

Pressurized Abrasive Blaster
Central Pneumatic – item#60696