HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S CONE…

Collapsible Reflective Emergency Conesorting hat

When marveling at the huge success of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, one can’t help but wonder if there was a little magical inspiration involved. Rowling herself has mentioned influences of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, Homer’s the Iliad and C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia, all epic literary works. But Professor Unicorn, head of improbable theory at Rex’s BBQ and Correspondence College of Abilene, Texas, submitted the following statement during an interview based on extensively researched pure speculation. “I think Rowling was inspired by Harbor Freight Tools. Take the Collapsible Reflective Emergency Cone (item #: 94111). Now, look at the cone closely. It has an uncanny resemblance to the Sorting Hat in Harry Potter! And her first book was called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone… Stone/Cone… come on!” Shortly after the interview, Professor Unicorn went back on his medication, moved in with his sister and he’s doing just fine.

Whether Rowling was actually inspired by Harbor Freight is still up for debate but what’s certain is that the Collapsible Reflective Emergency Cone is a must-have safety item for unexpected roadside emergencies, especially with winter coming. The cone is made of durable weather resistant polyester/nylon with a polypropylene base. Since it’s collapsible, you can store several easily in the trunk of your car and have them at the ready for an emergency. For example: let’s say you get a flat tire, simply set up the cones while you change the tire—or you could just wave your wand and say TIREUS REPAIRO! Yeah, better visit on of Harbor Freight’s 500+ stores and get some of those cones…

Collapsible Reflective Emergency Cone
item#: 94111

THE NAME IS BRACEGIRDLE, STANLEY BRACEGIRDLE

Portable Household Battery Solar Charger

There were three certainties in life growing up: 1) Hidden pirate treasure was buried somewhere in the backyard; 2) When animals were alone together without humans nearby, they spoke perfect English among themselves, and 3) Any man or woman wearing a trench coat carrying an attaché was clearly a licensed-to-kill covert operative and the contents of that attaché were either top secret, highly explosive or super top secret.

However, there comes a time when we put away childish ideas… not! Sure, we don’t believe in pirate treasure per say, but it doesn’t stop us from taking a metal detector to the backyard looking for old coins. And we know animals don’t speak English among themselves, but it doesn’t stop us from speaking English to them as if they know exactly what we’re talking about. And that leaves us with the covert operative/attaché case scenario. Harbor Freight has an attaché of sorts that is a real mystery… Hint: it’s not top secret or highly explosive. And no, it’s not super top secret either. It’s the Portable Household Battery Solar Charger (item #: 68690).

Using the sun’s power, the solar battery charger fully charges AA, AAA, C, D and 9V batteries easily in daylight. The charger features LED lamps to indicate a full charge, an on/off switch to prevent overcharging or battery drain and a durable high-impact case to keep the charger protected. With its fancy attaché design, it doesn’t matter who you are, you’ll still look like a licensed-to-kill covert operative… even if you’re Stanley Bracegirdle, accounting partner at the firm Bracegirdle, Daft and Shufflebottom.

The Portable Household Battery Solar Charger is available at any one of Harbor Freight’s 500+ stores nationwide. It’s not only a practical device that will save you money over time but you’ll also become the envy of pirates, talking animals and licensed-to-kill covert operatives who spend a fortune on disposable batteries.

Portable Household Battery Solar Charger
item#: 68690

IT’S A DOG’S LIFE. WE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.

23 In dog bed

The idiom “It’s a dog’s life” use to mean that life was hard and unpleasant. Those poor dogs. Apparently, while us Peter-Pan humans were lollygagging around living the dream, man’s best friend was miserable… who knew? Well, I certainly didn’t until I came across an academic white paper from Dr. Berry Sperry, the head of pet sociology at UC Davis. He found the personal journal of his family’s terrier Bowser. Here is a one-day entry from Bowser’s journal:

7am – woke up on cold, hard kitchen floor to the sound of coffee maker going off, hard time getting up, hip joint is really sore

7:15am – owner let me out to do my business

7:30am – chased squirrel up tree out of habit, not passion – what is the meaning of it all?

8:00 – ate dry kibble and piece of papaya dropped from family breakfast table (didn’t like papaya)

8:15am – contemplated Kierkegaard’s “Truth as Subjectivity”, no new revelations

8:45am – arrived at construction site

9:00am – 12:30pm – unloaded 50 bags of cement and dug out ditch for concrete piling

12:30pm – lunch break: ate rice cakes, low-fat cottage cheese and Diet Snapple, trying to get back to my old “service dog” weight

1:00pm – 5:30pm – busted my doggie behind putting up framing all day in the hot sun, totally worn out

6:00pm – arrived home, letter waiting for me—turned down from graduate creative writing graduate program at University of Iowa

6:30pm – ate more dry kibble, booooring!

After the last time stamp, Bowser wrote freeform…

I’m exhausted! I barely have the strength to watch an episode of Sons of Anarchy. My life is sleep, marking my territory, dry kibble, work, rinse and repeat. The horror of it all! I had dreams! I had aspirations! How can I pursue any of it when I’m working all the time and physically and emotionally spent when I’m not? Oh, this life! And to top it all off, my girlfriend’s a bitch! If I could just get a good night’s sleep, I’m sure things would start to turn around—  The rest of the entry is comprised of smudges from doggie tears.

After reading this proverbial howl for help, Dr. Sperry went down to his local Harbor Freight store and purchased the 23″ Pet Bed (item #: 66622). The 100% comfy fleece material and luxurious poly filling provide a plush rest spot for your pooch, cat, miniature wolverine or other domesticated pet. The pet bed also features a black plaid design which works with most decorative motifs. Dr. Sperry left it on the kitchen floor without saying a word. The following is Bowser’s journal entry the day after sleeping on the 23″ Pet Bed from Harbor Freight Tools:

6:30am – woke up earlier than usual and refreshed, the hip feels great!

7:15am – owner let me out to do my business

7:30am – chased squirrel up tree and had fun doing it!

8:00 – for some reason, the kibble tastes especially good today

8:15am – contemplated Kierkegaard’s “Truth as Subjectivity”, realized that since all beings process information through subjective filters, all perceived truth is “subjective”, therefore objectivity is in itself a subjective assessment

8:45am – arrived at construction site

9:00am – 12:30pm – unloaded another 50 bags of cement and dug out two more ditches for cement pilings, whistled while I worked

12:30pm – lunch break: ate rice cakes, low-fat cottage cheese and Diet Snapple… the Raspberry Diet Snapple is out of this world!

1:00pm – 5:30pm – finished framing the 1st floor of the structure, was promoted to site foreman end-of-day because of my great attitude and dogged determination

6:00pm – arrived home and found beef jerky treats by my water bowl from a “secret admirer” (suspect owner)

6:30pm – ate more dry kibble, must be a new formula, tastes great!

After the last time stamp, Bowser wrote freeform again…

It’s amazing what a good night’s sleep on the 23″ Pet Bed from Harbor Freight can do. I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks! It’s a dog’s life… and I’m lovin’ it! My girlfriend’s still a bitch though.

Do the right thing for your pet and pick up the 23″ Pet Bed from any one of Harbor Freight’s 500+ stores. Your pet will thank you—though not all will express their gratitude in writing.

23″ Pet Bed
item #: 66622

SPOOKTACULAR SOLAR FRIGHT LIGHTS!

Screaming-LED-Lights

Listen up boys and ghouls, hold on to your mummies and daddies because it’s that terrifying time of the year when phantoms prowl, vampires feed and zombies get another cable TV show! It’s Halloween… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! To celebrate this ghostly occasion, Harbor Fright has something that will scare the pants off a goblin (provided he’s wearing them)—the Solar Decorative LED Fright Lights (item: 95588)!

This 3-piece decorative light set is the perfect addition to your crabgrass lawn or graveyard! And because the lights are solar with a built-in AA NiCd battery, operation won’t cost you an arm and a leg, so you can sew those parts back onto your creation in the lab! The LED lights turn on paranormally when the sun goes down and the howling moon comes up! The lights change color from blood red to rigor-mortis green to batty blue! And the lights themselves—it’s almost too scary to mention… there’s the beastly butterfly, deathly dragonfly and the most hair-raising one of them all—the HORRIFYING HUMMINGBIRD… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

And the good news is you won’t have to sell your soul to get them. Just visit one of Harbor Fright’s 500+ haunted stores for a price that’s gruesomely good, that won’t put your wallet six feet under, that—okay, enough wordplay…

Solar Decorative LED Lights – 3 Pc
item: 95588

WHAT LIGHT THROUGH YONDER WINDOW BREAKS? IT IS THE SOLAR ROPE LIGHT…

Solar Rope Light

William Shakespeare is arguably the greatest playwright and poet of all time. His works are legendary. Well, most of them. Some were never published and even lost due to the Scribe Strike of 1614 that lasted until the restoration of the House of Stuart in 1660. However, a recent archeological find unveiled rare manuscripts, including a sonnet that is believed to have been written by Shakespeare himself about the Solar Rope Light (item #: 68353) from Harbor Freight Tools. One might ask how could Shakespeare have written about an item that would not exist until 3-1/2 centuries after his death? Great question! But there are many great questions that we’ll never be able to answer, so why start now?

ODE TO THE SOLAR ROPE LIGHT

Oh Solar Rope Light, 22 ft. long
Your 50 long-life white LED lamps
Illuminate places where my heart camps
Like gardens and walkways with light so strong
That comes on at dusk, you just can’t go wrong
A weather proof sleeve, proverbial gamp
One can wrap them around a cul de lampe
A full charge stays lit up like Tommy Chong
Solar panel amorphous silicon
Recharged with 6 to 8 daylight hours
And up to 8 hours the lights stay on
Through darkest night and torrential showers
Ground spike and mounting hardware do hold on
Enhances thine hardscape, lawns and flowers

Solar Rope Light
item #: 68353

 

COUSIN OLIVER SYNDROME…

24 In. x 36 In.Two Shelf Industrial Polypropylene Service CartIt’s the final nail in the coffin for most TV shows. They’ve had a long run, were probably the most watched show at one point but like any frothy entertainment (sans The Simpsons and Law & Order franchise) the audience finally grows bored and ratings drop. The producers gather in a scrum and brainstorm how to inject more life into the show. “Producers” and “brainstorm” prove oxymoronic as they always come up with the same answer—a kid. Such was the case with The Brady Bunch when they brought in the John Denver homunculus Cousin Oliver. And history is laden with similar examples: Scrappy Doo in Scooby Doo, Sam in Different Strokes and John Houseman in The Paper Chase.

What these shows should have brought in was the 24 In. x 36 In. Two Shelf Industrial Polypropylene Service Cart from Harbor Freight Tools! Boasting a 500 lb. capacity, the industrial-strength polypropylene cart features large 3 in. trays, hardware bins, cup holder, comfortable handle and smooth rolling 5 in. casters. It’s ideal for the shop or garage and will quickly become your go-to for transporting heavy work items as well as carting around hand and power tools.

So, how would the 24 In. x 36 In. Two Shelf Industrial Polypropylene Service Cart have saved The Brady Bunch? Well, they could have place Cousin Oliver in the cart and then rolled it over the side of the Grand Canyon. Ratings would have soared through the roof! The cart would have been retrieved on a nearby river bank and the Brady family would have then opened up their own auto shop (much more interesting), using the cart of course. The revitalized marketshare might have also prevented the show Chico and the Man (set in an auto shop) from ever being produced, thus killing two birds with one stone. Now, don’t get all upset about Cousin Oliver. Thanks to the durability of the cart, he survives the fall and follows the Colorado River down to the Gulf of California where he washes ashore in Puerto Peñasco and becomes a billionaire by developing multiple condominium retirement communities for expats earning him the moniker El Jefe con Pelo Rubio.

24 In. x 36 In. Two Shelf Industrial Polypropylene Service Cart
item#: 92862

 

IF YOU ONLY HAD ONE WISH…

Adjustable Steel Welding TableIf you could be granted one wish, what would it be? World peace? We said “wish” not miracle… All the money on Earth? Well, if you had all the money on Earth, then that means no one else would have any money—there would be global anarchy and your money wouldn’t be worth anything. The ability to fly? You’d save money on airplane tickets but you’d have to be hooked up to a GPS satellite system, then there’re the permits, licensing… not worth it. Super strength? They have those jar openers now so super strength wouldn’t really amount to much. Telepathy? Like you don’t spend enough time on the couch already… Immortality? Well, someday the sun will implode and destroy the solar system as we know it, so you’d be left floating around in space with no friends and nothing to eat. That leaves super-model spouse and fat-free chocolate. But both of those pale in comparison to the Adjustable Steel Welding Table (item #: 61369) from Harbor Freight Tools.

The steel table is adjustable with five position stops and is zinc-plated to resist rust. Designed for conductivity, you can connect your welding clamp directly to the welding table safely. Four built-in slots provide clamping points as well as heat reduction. Plus, the retractable edge guides can be used as a fence or for clamping. Reinforced trestle-style legs provide maximum stability. The best news is that you don’t have to use up your one wish to get the Adjustable Steel Welding Table—just visit one of Harbor Freight’s 500+ stores nationwide. Now you can have a super-model spouse and weld with ease, or eat all the chocolate you want and weld with ease or wish you knew how to weld… and then weld with ease!

Adjustable Steel Welding Table
item #:  61369

YOU-KNOW-WHAT HAPPENS

50 Ft. Compact Electric Drain CleanerWe all know the adage “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Well, sometimes life gives you something that you can’t turn into a proverbial refreshing beverage. There’s another adage for those things, “You-know-what happens,” and when we’re talking about the literal “you-know-what”, then you really just need to break it up and flush it out—and the sooner the better! Which brings us to the you-know-what breaker upper and flusher outer extraordinaire, the 50 Ft. Compact Electric Drain Cleaner (item #: 68285) from Harbor Freight Tools.

This powerful tool quickly clears clogs up to 50 ft. from the cleanout with its motorized electric drain snake. If you’ve ever used a manual one of these, then you know how much work it can be! Not so with this baby. The power-feed electric drain cleaner has automatic feed control for easy navigation of multiple bends. Plus, the ½” x 50 ft. wire core cable resists breakage, tangling and kinking.

Other features included a sealed air-activated foot switch, ground fault circuit interrupter for safe operation, quick-change enclosed drum and a durable steel frame. The 50 Ft. Compact Electric Drain Cleaner can handle pipes from 1 in. ID to 4 in. ID. Wow, up to 4 in. ID pipe? That’s a lot of you-know-what blocking up that bad boy!

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But when life give you a clogged pipe filled with you-know-what among other things, then visit one of Harbor Freight’s 500 stores nationwide and pick up the 50 Ft. Compact Electric Drain Cleaner!

50 Ft. Compact Electric Drain Cleaner
item#: 68285

“JUST A TARP” YOU SAY? HAH!

7 ft. 4 in. x 9 ft. 6 in. Blue All Purpose Weather Resistant TarpIn Ancient Egypt, tarps interwoven with gold threads and crusted with rubies were used to cover the furniture of Pharaohs during winter. In Greek mythology, a tarp was used to prevent Hades from leaving the underworld (long story, but there was a drain pipe leading out of the underworld and Zeus laid a tarp over the opening and weighed it down with Canada). Julius Caesar, after defeating Pharnaces II of Pontus and seeing that the ground was muddy for his troops to camp, declared: Vini. Vidi. Tarpi. – I came. I saw. I laid down tarps.

“Just a tarp” you say? Hah! The list of things you can do with a tarp is endless! And Harbor Freight Tools carries a humungous selection of tarps, like the 7 ft. 4 in. x 9 ft. 6 in. Blue All Purpose/Weather Resistant Tarp (item #: 69121). Made of industrial grade polyethylene, this all purpose weather resistant tarp provides extra tough washable protection for camping, covering and other applications. The tight weave and lamination, double-strong rope reinforced hems and rust resistant grommets will stand up to all kinds of weather and even freezing temperatures.

Since we don’t have time to create an endless list, we thought we’d put out a quick list of 50 things you can do with a tarp. The list was provided by a crack ensemble (or cracked ensemble depending on your point of view) of quality assurance personnel, investigative journalists, Eagle Scout Jinky Parsons, and Deron and Marna Kazmaier who published their own list on their site Far Out Living.

  1. Protect outdoor furniture from the elements
  2. Place under your tent during camping to keep your sleeping area dry
  3. Use as a windblocker
  4. Use as a survival shelter
  5. Protect your vehicle (when not in use)
  6. Tie it over materials when hauling loads (e.g. gravel)
  7. Lay down to protect floors when painting
  8. Lay down on the ground to practice prone position shooting
  9. Place on the ground and walk equine or llamas, or goats or dogs or other animals you are training across it for desensitizing (ed. Note: have no idea what this means…)
  10. Create a shade area
  11. Wrap plants on a cold night
  12. Put down on the floor before a kids craft project
  13. Use as a temporary shower curtain
  14. Cover the dog house for waterproofing and insulation
  15. Cover and tuck over your back seat for your dog to travel on
  16. Use for temporary covering over windows/as curtains
  17. Set a tarp down on carpets before bringing in boxes off the moving truck to keep the area neat
  18. Line the trunk of your car with a tarp before loading it with items that might make a mess
  19. Use to cover couches and other furniture to protect from pets
  20. Freak out nosy neighbors—wrap up old rugs you’re are getting rid of in a tarp, but wait til dark to drag them out—talk in a loud whisper as you drag the tarp
  21. The next time your teenage daughter complains she has nothing to wear, hand her a tarp
  22. During your next garage sale, display the items for sale on a tarp
  23. Paint the tarp for a bean bag toss game in the yard—mark off point areas and mark the amount of points for that area
  24. Use poles or a wooden frame with tarps to make an animal shelter
  25. Cover your screened-in porch with tarps during cold weather—it will not only make your porch useful all year but will also help insulate your home
  26. Rake leaves into a tarp, fold up the edges and drag the leaves away from your yard
  27. In a pinch, cover a leaking roof on your home or motor home with a large tarp
  28. Cut a hole in the middle and wear a tarp as a rain poncho
  29. Using a camo colored tarp, make your boat into a duck blind—a little duct tape may be useful for this project
  30. Hide a messy house from your mother-in-law by throwing a tarp over the kitchen sink—tell her the fixtures are broken and you don’t want water to spray all over the house
  31. Roll up a tarp and put a shirt over it to use as a pillow
  32. Have a contest with your friends—make some sort of clothing items out of a tarp
  33. Use a tarp rather than a blanket for your next picnic
  34. Set a tarp down under your sunbathing towel to keep the bugs off and to give yourself more area to stretch out
  35. Cover a dirty picnic table with a tarp as a tablecloth
  36. Cover an old dirty tire with a tarp and have a seat
  37. Use for the fabric part of a stretcher on two poles if someone becomes injured
  38. Use folded up on your work bench to hide new tools from your spouse
  39. When cleaning game indoors, put a tarp down on the floor beneath to catch the mess
  40. Place over your windshield to keep the sun out while the vehicle is parked
  41. Cover firewood, especially when camping, to keep it dry and ready to use
  42. Use loud color tarps for “ground to air” emergency flagging
  43. Next Halloween – Tarp Man!
  44. Put a tarp under your holiday tree to catch fallen pine needles
  45. Celebrate your 25-year wedding anniversary with a silver tarp
  46. Put a tarp under your child’s bed and tell them “that’s where the monster sleeps”
  47. Use a tarp to lay underneath newspaper when paper training your puppy
  48. Paint “PARTY HERE” in very large letters on a tarp and put over your garage door the next time you have a party
  49. Wrap up in a camo colored tarp when hunting water fowl for extra hide and to stay warm and dry
  50. Tarp – the Musical!

Tell us what you use your tarp(s) for! And don’t forget to visit one of Harbor Freight’s 500 stores for a tarperrific selection of tarps!

Tarps

THE COBBLER WHO WAS ALMOST KING

Stainless Steel Shoehorn

Before the Empire of Rome, before the Empire of Egypt, before the Empire of Atlantis, there existed the Empire of Spoon Bay. An odd title for an empire granted but such was the name of this historically undocumented peoples. For you geography buffs, Spoon Bay was located due south of the North Pole and due north of the South Pole. Not so coincidentally, the heart of the civilization of Spoon Bayans was located on a bay in the shape of a giant spoon. They rose to supreme power after defeating the Oyster Fork Bayans, but that’s another story for another time.

In Spoon Bay, lived King Albrechtanovich. “King Al” they called him. King Al was a fair and generous monarch. He was wise, thoughtful and never tied criminals to ant hills on holidays. What a guy… King Al ruled for decades and had many wives but was never able to seed his kingdom with an heir. It was all because of a curse cast upon him by Witch Britney of Oyster Fork Bay. She was later tied to an ant hill, but not on a holiday. With the witch “indisposed”, it proved rather difficult to remove the curse. King Al was willing to adopt but their civilization was not yet advanced enough to file all the paperwork needed to open an adoption agency. King Al grew old and the fate of the Empire of Spoon Bay became tenuous.

While walking through downtown Spoon Bay one morning, he noticed a cobbler crafting the most beautiful footwear. “What is thy name?” King Al asked.

“I ameth Steve the Cobbler,” said Steve the Cobbler.

“Welleth, Steve the Cobbler, you haveth a gift that is beyondeth any craftsman I have seeneth in Spoon Bay. Craft me a pair of youreth finest shoes and I will rewardeth thee handsomely.”

“Okey dokeyeth,” said Steve.

Steve the Cobbler worked for three months crafting the most extraordinary pair of shoes for the king. The leather was taken from a cow who was only fed a diet of Ben & Jerry’s Super Fudge Chunk ice cream which made the hide creamy and soft. The laces were made from gossamer threads interlaced with rubies and sapphires. The iridescent soles were made from compressed dragonfly wings to make them light and supple yet hard-wearing.

When the king came to retrieve the shoes, Steve offered him some saltwater taffy while he gave the shoes one last coating of Scotchgard™. Steve came out some time later with the shoes. The king was in awe, never having seen anything as beautiful as those shoes. He was moved to tears. “Steve,” said the king, “if you can crafteth such a wonderful paireth of shoes, you could applyeth your art to ruling the Empire of Spoon Bay. Slipeth those shoes on my feeteths and I will maketh you king!”

Steve knelt down and started to put the shoes on the king. Unfortunately, all the salt in the saltwater taffy made the king’s feet swell up like two hippos at a Serengeti grass buffet. Steve struggled furiously but couldn’t get the shoes around the king’s heels. Too bad Steve didn’t have the Stainless Steel Shoehorn from Harbor Freight Tools! The shoehorn is curved at one end to form an easy finger hold and the stainless steel construction delivers durability and long life. The shoehorn is almost a foot long, which provides added leverage. The Stainless Steel Shoehorn is available at any one of Harbor Freight’s 500 stores nationwide.

Unfortunately for Steve, the nearest Harbor Freight was several thousands of years in his future. Steve was never made king and was last seen tied to the top of Spoon Bay’s largest ant hill. But not on a holiday.

Stainless Steel Shoehorn
item #: 98082