SOMETHING YOU’LL NEVER SEE BRAD PITT WEAR…

Magnifier Head Strap With LightsLet’s face it, certain hobbies won’t exactly woo the opposite sex. You never hear about fly-fishing groupies or transistor repair hangers-on. And you never will. But that’s okay because you know who you are—you’re a hobbyist damn it and function reigns supreme! Take the Magnifier Head Strap With Lights from Harbor Freight Tools for example. This magnifier head strap fits over regular spectacles or safety glasses and features flip-up lenses that can be changed among four magnification levels: 1.8x, 2.3x, 3.7x, and 4.8x. The head strap features a vinyl headband with soft contoured padding and is adjustable for a comfortable fit. The head strap also has dual lights on both sides, with independent switches for convenience.

Practical for sure, but wearing it will make you look like Bryce and Clyde from Sixteen Candles. In other words, Brad Pitt wouldn’t be caught dead wearing one, but then again, who’d want to be Brad Pitt with his beautiful wife, successful acting career and millions of dollars in the bank? Let me rephrase that. Brad Pitt be damned! Good looks, talent and money aren’t going to magnify a poorly soldered connection on a circuit board. And at the end of the day when Death knocks on your door, if you open it wearing the Magnifier Head Strap With Lights, Death may start laughing so hard that you may be able to buy yourself some extra time. When Death comes for Brad Pitt, well…

Magnifier Head Strap With Lights
Item#38896

THE SWISS ARMY KNIFE OF CHAIRS…

As a kid, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on a Swiss Army knife. And not just any model, the one with all the tools, including the fishscaler with hook disgorger, magnifying glass and gas-powered chainsaw (no longer available on newer models). While I never ended up using the leather awl, that knife wFoldable Aluminum Sports Chairas responsible for endless adventures. Soap carving, cutting branches, hunting grizzlies, you name it and my trusty knife got me through it.

Truth be told, we never really outgrow our fascination for tools, gadgets and doohickeys. The only thing that changes with age is that we have to sit down more. Hence, the Swiss Army Knife of chairs, a.k.a. Foldable Aluminum Sports Chair from Harbor Freight Tools. The original prototype had a durable aluminum frame with extra wide seat, foldable side table, three side pocket, bottle holder AND a post hole digger, retractable canopy, storage locker with digital lock, shark cage, 212 cc gas-powered generator, backhoe, microwave oven, tanning booth, surgical forceps and private island. It was a real beauty! But the suggested retail price was $38,000,006. Even with a 20% discount, it would still come to $30,400,004.80 (without tax), not to mention the added shipping cost if you ordered online.

The paring-down process began. We kept the durable aluminum frame, folding side table, three side pockets and bottle holder. That brought the price down from $38,000,006 to under $30 dollars. By keeping a place to hold beverages, a surface for snacks and sunglasses, and pockets for magazines and newspapers, customers didn’t even care about losing the tanning booth or private island.  Convenient, lightweight and a price tag under $38,000,006—what’s not to like? Get the Foldable Aluminum Sports Chair from Harbor Freight Tool today and let the games, or picnic, or nap… begin!

Foldable Aluminum Sports Chair
item#66383

HOW THE PORTABLE SCAFFOLD SAVED A TOWN THAT CAME UP SHORT, LITERALLY…

portable scaffoldThe town of Westminsterchesterouster had a problem. The flourishing settlement was a wonderful place to live—good weather, abundant commerce and low crime. Occasionally, there was a cart jacking or suspected witchcraft but nothing being hung upside down by the toes for three days with leeches on the forehead or burning at the stake couldn’t cure. Westminsterchesterouster expanded to its very borders and there was no place to go but up. That was the problem. The buildings in the town  were really short, no more than 7 ft. high because that’s as far up as the tallest construction workers in the town could reach. The “ladder” was still centuries away from being invented. The town’s elders turned to their brightest citizen, a young visionary named Bartholomew Balsa for help. Having recently discovered Ochroma pyramidale, known as the eponymous “balsa tree”, he was tasked to come up with a solution to facilitate vertical construction indoors and out. He set to work right away. What was needed was some sort of platform but adjustable. It also needed to be portable. Yet it had to be big enough to support two to three artisans or workers at a time.

After six months and 436 sketches later, he constructed an apparatus featuring a platform with 30 adjustment points and a range from 28” to 71 1/8” in height, four locking swivel casters and built-in fittings for optional toe-boards or safety rails. The towns people were thrilled. With the “portable scaffold” as Bartholomew called it, they could reach new heights, literally, and expand the town vertically. Balsa was made honorary mayor and given precious amulets, a horse and two wives as thank you gifts. Unfortunately, his portable scaffold was made of balsa wood which could barely support a potted plant, let alone three workers with tools, mortar and other materials. The first portable scaffold lasted a total of three seconds. The Westminsterchesterousterians took back the amulets, horse and wives. Bartholomew Balsa was hung upside down by his toes for three days with leeches on his forehead, then burned at the stake. But all was not lost, thanks to Edmund Steel, another young visionary who recently discovered that when you mix iron with carbon… Using Balsa’s design, Steel constructed a portable scaffold made of steel. Everything changed after that, including the name of the town. And that’s how New York City became the thriving metropolis it is today…

The Heavy Duty Portable Scaffold from Harbor Freight Tools has all the great features of Bartholomew Balsa’s prototype but is constructed of heavy duty welded steel and holds up to 900 lbs.! Great for working inside and out, the portable scaffold is a must-have for painting, construction plus a wide range of other jobs. Comes with a 28-1/2“  x 67” wooden plank (not balsa wood). Get yours today at one of our 500 stores nationwide. The portable scaffold works like magic—and no one has to be burned at the stake because of it!

Heavy Duty Portable Scaffold
Sku#: 69055

WHEREFORE ART THOU SOLAR HOUSE ADDRESS NUMBER PLAQUE?

It’s a modern-day romantic tragedy… Romeo Finkleburger was at the county fair when he first met eyes with Juliet Sporkatelli. He was a young and successful pharmaceutical salesman. She was a Ph.D. student is ornamental horticulture and part-time bookkeeper. It was love at first ring toss (that’s where the saying comes from). Romeo won a stuffed chinchilla and gave it to Juliet. She named it “Chrysanthemum” after Saint Chrysanthus, the 3rd century martyr who was also credited with inventing the very first WeedWacker before being buried alive in a deep pit. It was a whirlwind romance. They ate funnel cakes, cotton candy and churros—then split a pack of heart-shaped antacids together. Unbeknownst to the young lovers, the Finkleburger and Sporkatelli families were bitter enemies. And then Juliet’s cousin got into a fight with Romeo’s best friend at the fair and stuck Solar House Address Number Plaquehim with the sharp end of a corndog stick. Before leaving the fair, Romeo asked Juliet for her address and vowed to pick her up at midnight so they could run away together. Juliet whole-heartedly agreed and texted Romeo her address. They kissed good-bye, their passion mingling with the sweet yet greasy slick of funnel cake residue.

The Sporkatelli’s lived a rural part of town with no streetlights. As the midnight hour approached Romeo drove down her street in his Prius with the headlights off so as not to draw attention to himself and wake Mr. and Mrs. Sporkatelli. He strained hard to see the street numbers on the houses. Juliet waited in her livingroom peaking out through the curtains waiting for Romeo to arrive. Her heart skipped a beat as she made out the faint silhouette of the approaching hybrid vehicle. From Romeo’s vantage point, he couldn’t see squat. Not being able to see the address, he drove right past Juliet’s home, then through a construction barrier and down a 100-ft. cliff into the wash. Romeo and his Prius were never seen again.

Too bad the Sporkatelli’s didn’t have the Solar House Address Number Plaque from Harbor Freight Tools! The handsome copper-finished solar address sign automatically charges in the sun then lights up super-bright LEDs all night to illuminate your house address. The solar address sign comes with numbers and spaces for a five-digit address and requires no installation or wiring. It also includes a wall bracket mount. While the Solar House Address Number Plaque may not insure that you and the love of your life will live happily ever after, it will guarantee the second greatest joy in life – not having to replace batteries while illuminating your home’s address.

COWBOYS, ALIENS AND THE NON-CONTACT INFRARED THERMOMETER WITH LASER TARGETING

Non Contact Infrared ThermometerYou might remember 1871 as the year Belgium disbanded the salt tax or the year J. Milton Turner was named minister to Liberia or the year British Columbia joined the confederation of Canada. But few remember 1871 as the year that aliens almost took over our beloved planet Earth. Turns out Cowboys and Aliens wasn’t a complete fiction after all. The tiny town of Tiny, Nevada was home to an alien landing back then. An exploration squad from the distant planet of Bureaucratia was scouting out new worlds to conquer through mediocrity, paperwork and bipartisan politics. And their plan would have worked had it not been for Gump Watson, a 21st century auto mechanic and the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting from Harbor Freight Tools. Long story short: The End.

Long story not so short, the alien vessel crashed on a low-level ridge at the edge of town. Gump Watson, Tiny’s sheriff, went to investigate. As he approached the scene, he heard strange noises and an unfamiliar language. He peered out from his hiding place and saw several aliens trying to repair their craft. Though the aliens had the same basic appendages as humans, they were green, ugly and savage looking, like the love child of Nick Nolte and the Incredible Hulk. Gump didn’t know what to do. He had his six shooter, but he didn’t think mere bullets would penetrate their thick hides.  As luck would have it, a wormhole opened at that very moment a few feet away from Gump and out walked an auto mechanic from the future. Introductions were made and Gump explained the situation. How the mechanic got sucked into the wormhole to begin with is anybody’s guess, but it probably had something to do with the convergence of supersymmetric flipped su(5) grand unified field theory and the unexplained longevity of Tom Jones’ singing career.

The mechanic wanted to help but only had one tool with him, the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting from Harbor Freight Tools. Sometimes it’s called a laser thermometer because you use the built-in laser to target the surface, but it’s really a non-contact infrared thermometer that measures the electromagnet radiation coming from the surface of an object. It features a single circuit chip design that prevents jamming, nonslip cushioned grip, Celsius/Fahrenheit LCD display with backlighting and can detect  temperatures ranging from -36 degrees F to 968 degrees F. Oh, almost forgot to mention, the mechanic also had a backpack filled with 14 pounds of gunpowder in it. The alien craft was smoking from the crash, but would it be hot enough to ignite the gunpowder? They couldn’t be sure… but the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting could be. They got as close to the alien craft as they could without being seen, within a few feet of the smoking engine. The mechanic pulled the trigger and took a reading—550 degrees F, more than enough to ignite the gunpowder. Gump closed his eyes and thanked his lucky stars, which was a mistake because while his eyes were closed, the mechanic threw the backpack filled with gunpowder onto the smoking alien engine and ran like a bat out of hell. The mechanic dived into the wormhole just in time. Time, however, was not on Gump’s side—he never opened his eyes again but neither did the aliens… though some of the projectile alien DNA entered the wormhole and mysteriously deposited in Washington D.C. where it continues to proliferate to this day.

Even without the threat of extraterrestrial domination, the Non-Contact Infrared Thermometer with Laser Targeting #60725 ($37.99) from Harbor Freight Tools is incredibly useful—it’s the safest way to measure temperatures in hazardous areas like vehicle engines, other machinery or hard-to-reach places. It’s available at any one of our 500 Harbor Freight stores nationwide. And don’t be surprised if the thermometer’s ridiculously low price alienates the competition…

CAN’T STAND FATIGUE? THEN STAND ON THE 4 PIECE ANTI-FATIGUE FOAM MAT SET!

4 Piece Anti Fatigue Mat SetEvery minute of every day, over 400 children are born into this world that will potentially experience fatigue when standing up for long periods of time as adults. Here are some other facts you may not know about fatigue:

• Fatigue is the number one cause of symptoms related to fatigue.
• According to a study conducted by Timothy Leary in 1971, a group of lab rats were forced to stand for three hours straight and spontaneously combusted into multiple colors.
• Fatigue comes from the Latin word fatīgāre, which means “to tire”. People who spoke Latin tired easily.
• “Fatigue” is not in Webster’s Dictionary because Noah Webster was too fatigued to include it.
• Dolphins and howler monkeys never get fatigued.

Despite the pandemic threat of fatigue, our government continues to do nothing. But YOU don’t have to take fatigue lying down even though that’s what most people do when they experience it. Like most conditions, diseases and bad politicians who get elected, prevention is the best cure. At Harbor Freight Tools, we’re doing our part to prevent the onset of fatigue with the 4 Piece Anti-Fatigue Foam Mat Set. This set of anti-fatigue foam mats gives your aching feet a rest indoors or out. Waterproof, lightweight and easy to clean, the anti-fatigue mats lock together in multiple configurations—place in front of work tables or any area where you might be standing for extended periods of time! Plus, the ½” thick mats are impact absorbent, adding both comfort and safety to your work area. If you’re tired of fatigue, or tired from fatigue, then muster up whatever energy you have left and head on over to one of 500 Harbor Freight stores nationwide! Take a stand on fatigue by standing on the 4 Piece Anti-Fatigue Foam Mat Set from Harbor Freight Tools!

4 Piece Anti-Fatigue Foam Mat Set
Sku#: 94635

I THOUGHT YOU SAID “DUCK” TAPE…

Duct-Tape-300x300Confession: the first time I heard someone mention duct tape, I thought they were saying “duck” tape. All sorts of questions came to my mind… Why would you need to tape ducks together? Was there a special adhesive that worked better on feathers compared to Scotch tape or masking tape? If two ducks were taped together in the forest and no one was around, would they still quack? The more I thought about these questions, the more I questioned my own existential being. Surely, the reason for duck tape reached beyond the practical need to bind ducks together. I dropped out of chiropractic college, sold my Vespa and traveled east in search of answers. After 10 years, I was in Nepal and had hired a Sherpa named Peter (his parents were huge Easy Rider fans) to take me to a remote peak in the Himalayas that was reputed to be the vortex of mysterious and powerful energies. I sat in meditation for 8 days and nights, no food and the only water I drank was from the melted frost that formed on my upper lip. Nothing happened. No answers regarding duck tape were revealed to me. Perhaps my soul was marred and unworthy of such revelation. Perhaps there were mysteries that were not meant for mortal man to discover. Perhaps the answers were right in front of me but beyond my personal understanding.

Just when I had given up all hope, a strong wind picked up and seemingly out of nowhere, a mailer from Harbor Freight Tools blew right into my face. As I removed the mailer featuring the latest specials and discounts, I noticed a coupon for Duct Tape. DUCT tape. And then the revelation hit: it’s tape for ducts. Ducts do come apart and need repair. And you need an adhesive that works better on sheet metal compared to Scotch tape or masking tape. Only one question remained: if a duct breaks in the forest, does the escaping air make a sound? That last one almost sent me back on another decade-long journey but then I realized there aren’t any ducts in the forest. Whew! I returned to the states, completed my chiropractic training and investing heavily in soy commodities. I made a fortune and today I live like a king, but I still do my own home repairs. And being a do-it-yourselfer, I always have several rolls of 2 in. x 50 yd Cloth Back Sliver Duct Tape from Harbor Freight Tools on hand. The all-purpose duct tape has thousands of uses around the workshop, jobsite and home. The polyethylene backed, rubber base adhesive duct tape is great for quick and easy repairs, labeling, sticking items together (sans ducks) and sealing. Resistant to water and abrasions, this general-purpose duct tape is a must have for the professional and do-it-yourselfer alike. And the great news is that you don’t have to travel half way around the world, hire a guide named after an actor whose heyday was in the 70s and drink melted frost from your upper lip to acquire  2 in. x 50 yd Cloth Back Sliver Duct Tape. With over 500 locations nationwide, just visit your local Harbor Freight store or get it at harborfreight.com.

(Disclaimer: No ducks were harmed in the writing of this article.)

2 in. x 50 yd Cloth Back Sliver Duct Tape
Sku: 94714
$4.29

ALEXANDER THE GREAT AND THE 1.5 HP ELECTRIC POLE SAW

pole sawWithout the 1.5 HP Electric Pole Saw, Alexander the Great may not have been so great! According to a dusty scroll found three days ago in the backroom of an Albanian spice merchant’s warehouse along the Adriatic, Alexander III of Macedon (A3 as he was called) inherited the kingdom from his father Phillip II who had been assassinated. Upon being named successor to the throne, A3 walked out to his backyard and there stood an olive tree that reached toward the sky. He declared “I will climb this tree and as far as I can see, I will conquer!” A bold statement. Unfortunately, the tree was so dense with branches, he could only climb up a few feet. From that vantage point, he was able to see as far as two of his neighbors’ yards, which he summarily conquered. He was then called Alexander the Terrible Neighbor.

In order to climb higher, Alexander the Terrible Neighbor needed to get rid of those darn branches. He went to Harbor Freight Tools, which had a store in Amphipolis, and purchased the 1.5 HP Electric Pole Saw. Well, it wasn’t actually electric back then, but the motor did come with a horse and a pony, hence, 1.5 horsepower. Anyway, he went back to the olive tree and started to cut more branches. Alexander was impressed with the features of the Pole Saw, which included a telescoping fiber glass pole that extended from 6 ft. to 8ft. 10 inches in length,  9-1/2 inch bar with 3/8 inch pitch Oregon® chain, automatic chain oiler, reduced kickback design, hand guard and easy chain adjustment. Midway through a branch, the saw broke but Alexander the Terrible Neighbor had kept his receipt so he returned the broken saw to the store and received a replacement without any hassle.

Back to the tree. He finished up cutting and then climbed. This time he was able to see as far as the subcontinent of India. He then sent messengers to all credit card companies and wireless carriers throughout his current empire and vowed that when he conquered India, he would establish customer service centers for all of them. The outsourcing saved these companies millions of drachma. As a reward, the Macedonian Better Business Bureau awarded Alexander a Lucite plaque and dubbed him Alexander the Great.

Today, you only need to conquer street traffic or a slow Internet connection to behold the 1.5 HP Electric Pole Saw from Harbor Freight Tools. Not only will you enjoy the fabulous features and ease of use, but you’ll become the envy of your neighbors, provided you leave their yards alone.

1.5 HP Electric Pole Saw
Sku#: 68862
$74.99

CENTRAL MACHINERY CEMENT MIXER – A FAVORITE AMONG FARMERS, CONTRACTORS AND THE MAFIA!

Cement MixerA favorite among farmers, contractors and the Mafia—check out the 3-1/2 Cubic Ft. Cement Mixer from Harbor Freight Tools! This Cement Mixer handles stucco, mortar or concrete at 36 RPM. Plus, the two large wheels make it easily portable! Constructed of solid steel, this mixer is great for both construction and farm applications such as seed inoculation or mixing feed. Whether working on the farm, construction site or in the yard, this versatile cement mixer handles just about any mixing job! So, why is it such a big hit with the Mafia? It’s not what you’re thinking, cement shoes and all that. According to an FBI informant, the Mafia is getting into organic farming. Yup, high cholesterol and degenerative medical conditions are taking their toll on organized crime. Several kingpins such as Vinnie “The Vegan” Garbanzo, Anthony “Vitamin A” Arugula and “Broccoli” Benny Baduchi have found that a low-fat diet consisting of organic fruits and vegetables, cutting out carbs like pasta and bread, no dairy and, of course, 30 to 40 minutes of Vinyasa yoga a day greatly reduces LDL, triglyceride levels and the urge to seek revenge on rivals. This excerpt was taken from an undercover recording where two Mafia members discuss the upcoming crop:

Mafiosa 1: Wadda mean youz ain’t gonna use no inoculant on them legumes?
Mafiosa 2: Let’s just plant them seeds and seez what happens!
Mafiosa 1: Seez what happens? Are ya stupid or somethin’? If we don’t inoculate with the proper rhizobacteria, we’ll never be able to fix the nitrogen to fuel the plant growth and nourish the soil for subsequent crops!
Mafiosa 2: Geez, I never thought about that!
Mafiosa 1: Enough lip flappin’! Youz go get us that seed inoculant!
Mafiosa 2: How come I gotta get it?
Mafiosa 1: ‘Cause I already picked up the 3-1/2 Cubic Ft. Cement Mixer from Harbor Freight Tools!
Mafiosa 2: Was it expensive?
Mafiosa 1: Are kiddin’? With their quality tools at ridiculously low prices, they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse…

3-1/2 Cubic Ft. Cement Mixer
Sku#: 67536
$189.99

http://bit.ly/1mu9XOG

 

OUR DARKEST HOUR DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THANKS TO THE 16 LED HAND CRANK SPOTLIGHT!

Happy New Year! Are you ready for the apocalypse?

According to Norse mythology experts, Ragnarök is predicted to take place on February 22, 2014. A great battle will take place involving Odin, Thor and the other gods, there will be catastrophic natural disasters and Robert Goulet will rise from the grave and put out another album, Armageddon to Know You! (Too soon on the Goulet joke?) Don’t let the end darken your mood—let a little light in with the 16 LED Hand Crank Spotlight from Harbor Freight Tools! This hand crank spotlight allows you to choose between bright (10 LEDs) and super-bright (16 LEDs) modes with the flip of a switch! The hand crlightank spotlight also features an automatic shut-off to prevent overcharging and can deliver up to 28 hours of illumination on a full charge.. Okay, so let’s say that Ragnarök doesn’t happen, just for the sake of discussion. The 16 LED Hand Crank Spotlight is still a great item to have at home, in your vehicle and in the shop to provide light when and where you need it! With multi-charge capacity, you can crank it up by hand, plug it into a cigarette lighter or use a 120-volt AC/DC adapter (not included) to charge it. It even has a fancy lanyard to reduce the likelihood of dropping it on your foot—as if Ragnarök isn’t bad enough…

16 LED Hand Crank Spotlight
Sku#: 96141